Personal Growth Is Not Linear

I write about a number of big concepts (fear vs. love, authenticity, worthiness), and I'll be the first to admit that putting them into practice is no simple task. It's easy to feel defeated when it seems as though we've taken a step back (by lashing out, staying silent, causing harm to others, causing harm to ourselves). But the truth is growth is not linear. Setbacks should be expected and acknowledged as an important part of the process. There are good days and bad days. One day we feel grounded, committed to self-acceptance, tolerant of uncertainty. The next day we feel overwhelmed, frustrated by our lack of progress, fearful of the unknown. And the pendulum swings.

As we begin to interrupt old patterns of thought and action, we'll likely feel some high high's and low low's, and that is just fine. We have to build our endurance to live authentically. It takes courage, commitment, and patience, but like any consistent workout routine, it gets easier over time. Ultimately these practices become our new baseline, and we move forward to accept the next challenge.The key is to start where we are (which varies day to day) and be gentle to ourselves.

The Truth About Perfectionism

I used to think perfectionism was a cute response to a weakness identification question - surely it was a strength in disguise? It didn't seem to have a bad rap like anxiety or depression, and I innocently assumed that a "hint of perfectionism" was a prerequisite for success. However, when I discovered Brené Brown’s work on shame and human connection, I learned the truth about perfectionism. And it's not so pretty...

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

The problem is we will never meet perfectionism’s standards. It does not matter how high we achieve, how many hours we work, or how many kind gestures we make, perfectionism will always tell us that we could be or do more. When there are only two possible outcomes (perfection or failure), we will always fail. Our “failures” perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and we renew our vows to perfectionism in an effort to regain a sense of self worth. And then we fail again. It’s a vicious cycle that truly is the "perfect" set-up for self-hate.

Brown dispels two important myths about perfectionism in her book The Gifts of Imperfection:

1. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. When we can only live with “perfection,” we are not setting realistic, attainable goals for ourselves. And when we “fail” to rise to the occasion, our inner critic beats us up via hurtful self-talk (i.e. I’m so stupid. Why did I say that? I’m such a failure. I should just give up.). We punish ourselves for not living up to impossible standards. Most of us would NEVER talk to someone we cared about like that, so why do we continue to beat ourselves up over the smallest mistakes? Plus this fear of failure promotes a life of stagnation. How can we take risks and grow if we’re too afraid to fail? Perfectionism holds us back from being our best selves. 
2. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is the search for validation and affirmation from others. By pursuing perfection, we are attempting to control others’ perceptions of ourselves (i.e. What will they think of me if I do, say, or wear this?). Some people are just not going to like you, and it probably has nothing to do with you! Therefore, when we make our self worth dependent on others’ perceptions, we LOSE.

So how can we move from a place of perfectionism to a place of healthy personal growth? Brown offers some wisdom:

• First, we can start living from a place of worthiness. I am worthy of love and belonging NOW. My worthiness is not contingent on my accomplishments, appearance, relationships, or [insert ideal here]. I am enough exactly as I am today.For long time perfectionists, this mental shift will require a lot of discipline and practice, but it does get easier with time. The intention to redefine success outside of the realm of perfection is a huge feat in and of itself! One step at a time...
• Practice compassion toward yourself every step of the way. Dr. Kristin Neff describes three elements of self compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness:
  • Self-kindness involves being gentle with ourselves during times of struggle
  • Common humanity is our ability to recognize suffering as a universal, shared human experience
  • Mindfulness is the practice of taking a balanced approach to negative emotions - specifically, not over or under-identifying with painful emotions
  • Set realistic expectations of yourself. When defining your goals, use language like “I would like to improve on X” or “I want to accomplish X for me.” Steer clear of thought processes that go something like this: “I need to be different to be worthy” or “I should be x, y, and z.”

I am joining Brené as an aspiring good-enoughist!