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Separation.
Fear, angst.
A lonely traveler in the dark woods. Seduced by illusion.
Reunion.
Fleeting moments, glimpses of the truth.
My heart opened. I sat in awe.
Union.
Joy, ease.
I saw myself. I saw others. Humbled, I came home.
To myself, to you, to the world.
“Uncertainty is fundamental openendedness.”
This year feels different. There's a calm, a peace, in the way I relate to myself, my family members, and my experience.
I'm on the brink of major change, difficult territory for a recovering perfectionist like myself. But I continue to put one foot in front of the other with some semblance of grace.
This I know: uncertainty is here and here to stay.
While I've appreciated that concept for quite some time, I wasn't ready to live it - to embrace uncertainty as a permanent reality of the human experience. Now I am baby-stepping my way toward walking the walk. One small, wobbly step at a time.
Difficult people. They have been described as our greatest teachers. They expose our deepest insecurities and bring our most limiting beliefs to light. We all have difficult people in our lives, and we've probably read many conflicting opinions on how to navigate these relationships - opinions on the "strongest" choice or the "right" choice in different circumstances. While I wholeheartedly believe that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, sometimes the most loving choice is to walk away. I call this loving people from afar.
The idea of loving people from afar was inspired by a Q&A with Pema Chodron. An audience member raised a question about an abusive romantic partner - specifically, how was she supposed to practice love toward her partner when he was causing her such harm? Pema pointed out that by leaving the relationship, the audience member was not only practicing self love but also practicing love toward her partner by giving him an opportunity to experience freedom from his self destructive patterns. In other words, her leaving would disrupt his habit of acting out, and, without the convenience of a scapegoat, he would have an opportunity to choose self accountability.
“It is becoming increasingly evident to me how vital self-accountabilty is for a meaningful and happy existence. In fact, I don’t know a single happy person who is not completely self-accountable.”
We can apply this example to any consistently antagonistic relationships in our lives - hard family dynamics, challenging friends, you name it. But of course there is no steadfast rule, no magic formula, that will tell you if and when the choice to walk away is right for you. In some cases, the most loving choice may be to work through a conflict with a willing, cooperative party, and in others, it may be to cut ties completely. The key is to acknowledge that we can only hold ourselves responsible for our actions in a relationship; we are only 50% of the equation.
When we frame walking away as a loving choice, as loving people from afar, we honor those relationships while freeing ourselves of the emotional turmoil and suffering associated with their presence in our lives.
I invite you to test this for yourself.
“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
Seven months ago I arrived in San Francisco with two checked bags, my little red carry on, and a backpack. As I stepped into my apartment for the very first time, I felt calm and at ease. The empty rooms were full of possibility. What would unfold here? It was all TBD.
There were no junk drawers, no old possessions under the bed, no closets full of unworn, but perfectly fine, clothes. There was space. Space to breathe.
All of the belongings that I carried with me that day had been handpicked for the adventure. Curated. Only my favorite things made the cut. I felt light and open.
It then occurred to me that this feeling, this extraordinary feeling, was accessible outside of a major change or life event. Like everything else, it was a practice cultivated over time.
And so it began: my pledge to simplicity. A commitment to a ceremonious purging of the old to create space for the new.
Simplicity to promote calm. Simplicity to promote freedom.
“Spirituality is surrender.”
“Love with conviction.”
I am moved - deeply moved - by Marianne Williamson's call to action.
Moved by its invitation. What would it feel like to love so fiercely?
Moved by its simplicity. Yes, love with conviction. Duh!
Moved by its possibility. A revolution of love! A posse of light workers. The incredible things that could unfold!
The call is timely for a world that finds itself disillusioned.
The call is important for a world that finds itself apathetic to violations against others.
The call is healing for a world that finds itself lonely and disconnected.
I will do my best to love with conviction. Will you join me?
Being of service to others does not require money or travel. Being of service to others does, however, require self knowledge and self compassion. Susannah Conway put this beautifully:
“In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do – heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on.”
Self knowledge allows us to identify our hurts. Self compassion allows us to heal.
Being a kinder friend. Being a more patient partner. Being a more pleasant passerby. These are all acts of service that promote the well being of others. And guess what? You benefit, too.
How lovely!
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Self Compassion Resources:
Tara Brach's Radical Self Acceptance
Kristin Neff's Self Compassion (check out her website, too!)
Tara Brach's True Refuge
Viktor Frankl is one of my heroes. A world renowned Austrian academic, Frankl popularized logotherapy, a psychotherapeutic intervention that is based on the belief that meaning is the most powerful motivator for human beings - an intervention that was inspired by his experience as a Holocaust survivor. Frankl authored the brilliant book Man's Search for Meaning and is widely cited for this quotation (one of my personal favorites!), among others:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
I've been experiencing a lot of change recently, and change is typically accompanied by a host of triggers - also known as stimuli. In an effort to cope graciously, I've been thinking a lot about the space Frankl refers to. The moment when your body - or, really, your being - is conquered by emotion, the rage/hurt/annoyance finding its way to the very tips of your limbs. The moment when the cheap response tempts you, promising victory upon the delivery of a clever (and most likely hurtful) I'll-show-you. Yes, we've all been there.
So, what do we do when we arrive at that space? What do we do when we get all fired up?
Well, I think Danielle LaPorte put it best when she posed this question: do you want to be right, or do you want to be free? Often you can't be both.
Being right is certainly attractive. As social animals, we are wired for belonging, so being right seems to be a logical means to that end. However, being right involves controlling others' perceptions of our actions; it's about being right in the eyes of others. This is something over which we have NO control, and striving to prove something - to be "right" - typically leaves us feeling unhappy and unaligned.
Recently, I have been opting for freedom and have found the following 30 second intervention to be helpful:
On good days, I use this intervention successfully, but sometimes I just can't help myself. And that's okay. This is a practice, like everything else.
I took the StrengthsFinder2.0 test about six months ago, and "Activator" was identified as one of my five signature themes (a signature theme is a natural talent that can become a strength with the right combo of knowledge & skills ). Here is the description of the activator theme:
When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.
I had to laugh because 1) this is dead-on and 2) as much as I appreciate my action-oriented nature, it has a tendency to take on a life of its own! I start wheeling and dealing in two seconds time and before I know it, I've bypassed enjoyment and am onto the next thing. Can you relate?
Well, this week something big happened: I finalized a long awaited move to San Francisco! I sat down with my boss, asked for what I wanted, and it turned out wonderfully. But I immediately dove into logistics (taxes/tenants/SF roommates/travel) and next steps. At 4:00am, I awoke in a panic about whether I would apply to business school in October 2014. How will my move impact my admission odds? How will this decision affect my career choices? How/when will I find the time to revisit the GMAT? Am I playing it safe by opting for business school? Will not attending business school preclude me from a dream job someday, somewhere? You can see how this would kill the excitement.
If I've learned anything from my 2 year+ mindfulness journey, it's that small victories matter. In fact, small victories MAKE a life; they need to be experienced and celebrated. One step at a time! My move to SF is one such victory, so I'm wrestling the activator in me and trying to stew in the satisfaction of a new adventure. Action will be required soon enough.
SO cheers to the small victories - to asking for what you want, a meaningful conversation, a compliment, the act of standing up for yourself, a delicious meal, a great run, the perfect gift, a deep laugh, the acknowledgment of how far you've come! These are the moments that add up to a life.
Let's take it one step at a time...
Freedom is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about and cultivating in my life. Of course it means different things to different people, so let me walk you through the evolution of my understanding of freedom. It started with financial security (thanks, Mom!):
Money = power & power = optionality; therefore, money = optionality.
But over time, it expanded to include self awareness and self expression. Here's why:
Self awareness prevents surprises: no one can tell you something about yourself that you don't already know or expose a "shadow side" that you've been hiding from. AND self expression allows us to release our creative energy - to give voice/song/pen to our experience, and let it go.
At the end of the day, financial security, optionality, self awareness, and self expression lead to a profound sense of inner peace - the ultimate freedom!
How do you define freedom?
Do you remember the Sims computer game? I was a Sims champion! Admittedly, it wasn't that impressive of a feat - you just needed to employ this winning strategy: rock your job, erect your McMansion, start a family, and buy things. It was all about fast-paced accumulation, and it was pretty thrilling for the first six hours of play. However, around hour seven, a full body numbness would set in - an excruciating boredom.Perhaps this was the law of diminishing returns in action? But I would carry on: accumulation, accumulation, accumulation. Stepping back, I realized that my Sims strategy summed up my old approach to life: satisfying the proverbial checklist to show the world how awesome I was. Checking off each item wouldn't feel as fulfilling as I had imagined, but no time for sulking! Onto the next one...
Recently I've adopted a new approach: there's nothing to prove. In my own experience, the desire to prove something has been a recipe for unnecessary suffering. After all, we have to ask ourselves what and to who are we trying to prove? This frame has allowed me to get very clear on my motivations: is this goal aligned with my values, or am I simply trying to show myself/someone else/the world that I can do this? If something is only motivated by the latter, time to reassess.
I was excited to share my new mantra with peers and surprised to hear that some of them found it impractical or downright depressing. If there is nothing to prove, then who/what holds us accountable for our actions? If there is nothing to prove, then what is the point? These are fair questions. My response stems from a belief in basic goodness: we have an internal accountability system, and we are motivated by love and belonging. We can become incredibly destructive and distracted when we get caught up in proving ourselves, but the heart and intuition can lead us home.
Bottom line: I'm over demonstrating to myself or anyone else that I deserve to be here. Enough is enough. I am enough. There's nothing to prove. Join me?
Some things that have been inspiring me recently...
Danielle LaPorte's credo for making it happen
Takeaways: The ENTIRE pep talk. AND this lovely excerpt: "a beginner's mind is an open mind, and an open mind innovates," which is an important reminder for young people and entrepreneurs!
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Susannah Conway's brilliant take on the beauty of aging
Takeaways: Impermanence, and no feeling is final.
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Michael Sam's courageous act of owning his story
Takeaways: Tell your own story, and inspire others in the process.
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Beyonce's "Grown Woman" music video
Takeaways: Dance, creativity, & sass
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Justine Musk on joy
Takeaway: Joy is an exercise of courage.
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Face time with loved ones
Takeaway: Gratitude
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Jonathan Fields' 10 Commandments of EPIC Business
Takeaway: The aspiration to build a business with SOUL
The concept of the dream came up in a recent post on worthiness & partnership, so let me elaborate. Author don Miguel Ruiz uses the dream to describe a belief system that assigns meaning to life experiences and informs opinions of the self and others. Think about it as the famous glass half empty vs. glass half full debate in practice: the dream is a series of stories that we tell ourselves about the world - the lens through which we experience life. It is also the birthplace of our projections, which color our interactions with others. Thus the success or failure of interpersonal relations rests on the compatibility of dreams. Did you get all up in my insecurities/stuff? Did you challenge something that I am certain of? Do we experience the world in a similar or at least complementary way? It is no surprise that interpersonal dynamics can get so messy! So, why is this relevant?
The dream is a tool that we can use to re-frame criticism, negative feedback, and cruelty. By recognizing the role of the dream in human behavior, we can hold onto our self worth/dignity/intention in the face of personal attacks or in encounters with naysayers. That is someone else's stuff! It's certainly not easy - even if we have an intellectual appreciation of what is going down. We're human, and we respond to hurtful or discouraging words. But acknowledging the dream may help us muster the courage to get back on that horse.
Consider Tara Mohr's approach to feedback:
Feedback does not tell you about you. It tells you about the person giving the feedback. We seek out feedback not because it tells us about our own value or merit, but because it tells us whether we are reaching the people we need to reach in the way we want to. Feedback is emotionally neutral information that tell us what sings to our audience, what resonates for them, what communicates clearly, what engages the people we want to engage.
OR James Baldwin's thoughts on discrimination/hate:
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.
These are excellent examples of the dream at work. We can only hold ourselves responsible for our words and our actions - not the words or actions of others. AND by bringing awareness to our own dream, we can learn about our limiting beliefs, so we don't pass them on.
There are years that ask questions and years that answer. - Zora Neale Hurston
2013 was a year that asked a number of BIG questions:
I have a feeling that 2014 will be a year that answers because I keep arriving at the same conclusions (a surefire sign that I'm on to something!); I'm willing to take action that I was not ready to take in 2013; and, to be frank, I'm all questioned out.
So here's my roadmap for 2014+ (a set of value word-strings):
Connection/community/relationship/humanity
Adventure/autonomy/freedom/learning
Love/kindness/joy
And into the year I go!
I've decided to make this a recurring post to honor the many muses in my life, so here are some gems that have been resonating with me lately... Gail Larsen's incredible book Transformational Speaking (highly recommend!) & the concept of original medicine as discussed here:
We each have a singular set of gifts and talents that define our role in change. Indigenous cultures call our natural attributes and abilities our "original medicine." No one is more special than another, but each unique expression is essential and irreplaceable. In a society that more often encourages us to fit in rather than stand out, the process of excavating and revealing our originality is an essential step to fully experiencing and expressing our true power. Knowing and accepting your medicine is core to expressing your personal power, strength, and understanding.
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Tara Mohr's five questions for 2014:
1. What have you always believed about yourself that life is showing you may not be true?
2. Where do you complicate life by turning outward for advice instead of trusting the answer within?
3. What's scary and what's thrilling about trusting yourself more immediately and more often?
4. What kinds of self-care truly feel like self-care to you (and not like a self-care to-do list)?
5. Where in your life might less (less effort, work, time perfection, research, activity, etc.) actually be more?
#2 and #3 feel especially important for me right now! Tara is hosting a call TONIGHT at 7pm EST to walk through this exercise if you're interested.
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Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TED talk on the problematic single story:
p.s. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is also featured in Beyonce's song "Flawless" (around 1:00). Don't miss Adichie's TEDxEuston talk on how we should all be feminists.Thanks to both women for being awesome and claiming feminism!
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Danielle LaPorte on friendship & making the trip (or as she so eloquently states "getting off your ass for love")
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Loneliness in a connected world:
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My word for 2014: COURAGE
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Happy New Year! Apologies for the recent posting hiatus, BUT I am officially back in action and pumped for 2014. To kick off the year, I'm going to mix things up by responding to a great question posed by one of my friends:
Q: How can we maintain a sense of self worth (i.e. I am worthy of love & belonging now) while also acknowledging that our insecurities/imperfections may prevent us from being a good partner to someone else at this particular moment?
While I am no dating expert, romantic partnerships are all about human connection - a subject that many of you know I'm quite fond of, so here we go...
In my opinion, being a "good partner" boils down to being self aware, honest, communicative, and authentic. Thoughts?
Fear of failure. Fear of disappointment. We know them well. They can keep us from making important changes, from standing up for ourselves and others, from pursuing work/travel/hobbies that really speak to us. But Mark Nepo offers a wise way to meet the fears of "not getting what we want" in his beautiful book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen:
We are taught early on that to have ambition and to work toward it is how we contribute to the world and move ahead. In and of itself, this is true. But along the way, we often incubate a self-centeredness that breeds like bacteria in the dark corners of our psyches and something else happens. We begin to associate getting what we want with success and not getting what we want with failure. We begin to expect that we can will things to happen, that we have some right to control events. We are deemed skillful if we can steer people without their knowledge. Soon we wake with a sense of entitlement: that we have a right to have things go our way; a right to get what we want; a right to steer people and events toward our will.
Of course, life has other things to say about all this. Sooner or later, everyone will face not getting what they want. How we respond to this unavoidable moment determines how much peace or agitation we will have in our lives. This is the moment that opens all others, for our acceptance of things as they are and not as we would have them allows us to find our place in the stream of life. Free of our entitlements, we can discover that we are small fish in the stream and go about our business of finding the current.
This deeper chance to shed our willfulness does not preclude our sadness and disappointment that things aren't going the way we had imagined. But when we stay angry and resentful at how life unfolds beyond our will, we refuse the gifts of being a humble part in the inscrutable Whole. (...)
When we can stop blaming others or nature or God for not getting what we want and be honest about what this inevitable rearrangement does to us, then humility and compassion are possible. (...)
Eventually we are asked to undo the story we have been told about life - or the story we have told ourselves - so we might drop freshly into life. For under all of our attempts to script our lives, life itself cannot be scripted.
This passage brought two important things to light for me:
And I don't think I'm alone.
We often experience failure as a form of punishment - as if we should have been able to secure our desired outcome if only we had done X,Y, and Z. But when outcomes involve others' cooperation (individuals or organizations), it's important to understand what lies outside of our sphere of influence. And surrender.
Mark Nepo shared this great anecdote with Oprah on a recent episode of Super Soul Sunday:
I had carried around a suitcase from adolescence that said 'open in case of emergency.' Well, when the emergency came, I opened it, and there was nothing in it. So why was I going to keep carrying it around? Not only am I lighter now, but I had to start looking for the real tools that help us live.
What story/fear are you carrying around that is keeping you from living your life?
Don't worry, you're in good company: when it comes to contingency planning, I am an expert. Not only do I consider personal finance a hobby, I study grief, shame, and uncertainty...for fun. My initial interest in these subjects was largely motivated by my love of contingency planning. I aimed to map out my healing plan, to maximize my well being, and to reduce the probability of a mid-life crisis. I thought an academic approach to grief, shame, and uncertainty would appease my analytical mind and give me the best shot at accomplishing all of the above. In many ways, it did, but more importantly, it moved me in the direction of the heart.
It's easy to become distant from the heart or at least skeptical of the heart. We live in a society that celebrates rational decision making, and for whatever reason, we have come to associate the heart with irrational behavior. If you tell someone that you made a decision from your heart (especially outside of the scope of a romantic relationship), he or she may respond with genuine concern or attempt to say something supportive like do what you love. While phrases likedo what you love are well meaning, I think theycheapen heart-based decision making. Our hearts are wise. They issue challenges and urge us to step into the unfamiliar. Our hearts keep our stories interesting! We may meet these callings with a no, thank you, but regardless, the whispers offer guidance.
When I reflect on the power of the heart, I think of all of the stories that have truly moved me. Every one of them involves individuals - real or fictional - who are driven to action by their hearts. Sure, these individuals encounter disappointment and naysayers along the way, but ultimately they find a courage and an inner peace that cannot be destroyed by crisis. I know I'm not the only one who digs this story line because it sells. But it also appeals to a common experience - a longing, a drive, a desire that we have all felt at one time or another to do something that is representative of our life well-lived. That is the heart!
The heart is a tool that helps us live. It can tell us a lot about what we need and what we want to contribute. The question is will we listen?