ONE STEP AT A TIME

I took the StrengthsFinder2.0 test about six months ago, and "Activator" was identified as one of my five signature themes (a signature theme is a natural talent that can become a strength with the right combo of knowledge & skills ).  Here is the description of the activator theme: 

When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.

I had to laugh because 1) this is dead-on and 2) as much as I appreciate my action-oriented nature, it has a tendency to take on a life of its own! I start wheeling and dealing in two seconds time and before I know it, I've bypassed enjoyment and am onto the next thing. Can you relate?

Well, this week something big happened: I finalized a long awaited move to San Francisco! I sat down with my boss, asked for what I wanted, and it turned out wonderfully. But I immediately dove into logistics (taxes/tenants/SF roommates/travel) and next steps. At 4:00am, I awoke in a panic about whether I would apply to business school in October 2014. How will my move impact my admission odds? How will this decision affect my career choices? How/when will I find the time to revisit the GMAT? Am I playing it safe by opting for business school? Will not attending business school preclude me from a dream job someday, somewhere? You can see how this would kill the excitement.

If I've learned anything from my 2 year+ mindfulness journey, it's that small victories matter. In fact, small victories MAKE a life; they need to be experienced and celebrated. One step at a time! My move to SF is one such victory, so I'm wrestling the activator in me and trying to stew in the satisfaction of a new adventure. Action will be required soon enough.

SO cheers to the small victories - to asking for what you want, a meaningful conversation, a compliment, the act of standing up for yourself, a delicious meal, a great run, the perfect gift, a deep laugh, the acknowledgment of how far you've come! These are the moments that add up to a life.

Let's take it one step at a time...

Freedom

Freedom is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about and cultivating in my life. Of course it means different things to different people, so let me walk you through the evolution of my understanding of freedom. It started with financial security (thanks, Mom!):

Money = power & power = optionality; therefore, money = optionality.

But over time, it expanded to include self awareness and self expression.  Here's why:

Self awareness prevents surprises: no one can tell you something about yourself that you don't already know or expose a "shadow side" that you've been hiding from. AND self expression allows us to release our creative energy - to give voice/song/pen to our experience, and let it go.

At the end of the day, financial security, optionality, self awareness, and self expression lead to a profound sense of inner peace - the ultimate freedom!

How do you define freedom?

Nothing To Prove

Do you remember the Sims computer game? I was a Sims champion! Admittedly, it wasn't that impressive of a feat - you just needed to employ this winning strategy: rock your job, erect your McMansion, start a family, and buy things. It was all about fast-paced accumulation, and it was pretty thrilling for the first six hours of play. However, around hour seven, a full body numbness would set in - an excruciating boredom.Perhaps this was the law of diminishing returns in action? But I would carry on: accumulation, accumulation, accumulation. Stepping back, I realized that my Sims strategy summed up my old approach to life: satisfying the proverbial checklist to show the world how awesome I was. Checking off each item wouldn't feel as fulfilling as I had imagined, but no time for sulking! Onto the next one...

Recently I've adopted a new approach: there's nothing to prove. In my own experience, the desire to prove something has been a recipe for unnecessary suffering. After all, we have to ask ourselves what and to who are we trying to prove? This frame has allowed me to get very clear on my motivations: is this goal aligned with my values, or am I simply trying to show myself/someone else/the world that I can do this? If something is only motivated by the latter, time to reassess.

I was excited to share my new mantra with peers and surprised to hear that some of them found it impractical or downright depressing. If there is nothing to prove, then who/what holds us accountable for our actions? If there is nothing to prove, then what is the point? These are fair questions. My response stems from a belief in basic goodness: we have an internal accountability system, and we are motivated by love and belonging. We can become incredibly destructive and distracted when we get caught up in proving ourselves, but the heart and intuition can lead us home.

Bottom line: I'm over demonstrating to myself or anyone else that I deserve to be here. Enough is enough. I am enough. There's nothing to prove. Join me?

Pick-Me-Ups

Some things that have been inspiring me recently...

Danielle LaPorte's credo for making it happen

Takeaways: The ENTIRE pep talk. AND this lovely excerpt: "a beginner's mind is an open mind, and an open mind innovates," which is an important reminder for young people and entrepreneurs!

**

Susannah Conway's brilliant take on the beauty of aging

Takeaways: Impermanence, and no feeling is final. 

**

Michael Sam's courageous act of owning his story

Takeaways: Tell your own story, and inspire others in the process. 

**

Beyonce's "Grown Woman" music video

Takeaways: Dance, creativity, & sass

**

Justine Musk on joy

Takeaway: Joy is an exercise of courage.

**

Face time with loved ones

Takeaway: Gratitude

**

Jonathan Fields' 10 Commandments of EPIC Business

Takeaway: The aspiration to build a business with SOUL

The Dream & Non-Identification

The concept of the dream came up in a recent post on worthiness & partnership, so let me elaborate. Author don Miguel Ruiz uses the dream to describe a belief system that assigns meaning to life experiences and informs opinions of the self and others. Think about it as the famous glass half empty vs. glass half full debate in practice: the dream is a series of stories that we tell ourselves about the world - the lens through which we experience life. It is also the birthplace of our projections, which color our interactions with others. Thus the success or failure of interpersonal relations rests on the compatibility of dreams. Did you get all up in my insecurities/stuff? Did you challenge something that I am certain of? Do we experience the world in a similar or at least complementary way? It is no surprise that interpersonal dynamics can get so messy! So, why is this relevant?

The dream is a tool that we can use to re-frame criticism, negative feedback, and cruelty. By recognizing the role of the dream in human behavior, we can hold onto our self worth/dignity/intention in the face of personal attacks or in encounters with naysayers.  That is someone else's stuff! It's certainly not easy - even if we have an intellectual appreciation of what is going down. We're human, and we respond to hurtful or discouraging words. But acknowledging the dream may help us muster the courage to get back on that horse.

Consider Tara Mohr's approach to feedback:

Feedback does not tell you about you. It tells you about the person giving the feedback. We seek out feedback not because it tells us about our own value or merit, but because it tells us whether we are reaching the people we need to reach in the way we want to. Feedback is emotionally neutral information that tell us what sings to our audience, what resonates for them, what communicates clearly, what engages the people we want to engage.

OR James Baldwin's thoughts on discrimination/hate:

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.

These are excellent examples of the dream at work. We can only hold ourselves responsible for our words and our actions - not the words or actions of others. AND by bringing awareness to our own dream, we can learn about our limiting beliefs, so we don't pass them on.

A Year That Answers

There are years that ask questions and years that answer. - Zora Neale Hurston

2013 was a year that asked a number of BIG questions:

• What do I value - REALLY? Not specific activities, things, or people . What values underlie my peak experiences and are at the heart of the messages of the people I admire most?
• How do I define my life well-lived?
• How fully is this idea of my life well-lived being expressed today (pie chart-style!)?
• What do I feel called to contribute?

I have a feeling that 2014 will be a year that answers because I keep arriving at the same conclusions (a surefire sign that I'm on to something!); I'm willing to take action that I was not ready to take in 2013; and, to be frank, I'm all questioned out.

So here's my roadmap for 2014+ (a set of value word-strings):

Connection/community/relationship/humanity

Adventure/autonomy/freedom/learning

Love/kindness/joy

And into the year I go!

Pick-Me-Ups

I've decided to make this a recurring post to honor the many muses in my life, so here are some gems that have been resonating with me lately... Gail Larsen's incredible book Transformational Speaking (highly recommend!) & the concept of original medicine as discussed here:

We each have a singular set of gifts and talents that define our role in change. Indigenous cultures call our natural attributes and abilities our "original medicine." No one is more special than another, but each unique expression is essential and irreplaceable. In a society that more often encourages us to fit in rather than stand out, the process of excavating and revealing our originality is an essential step to fully experiencing and expressing our true power. Knowing and accepting your medicine is core to expressing your personal power, strength, and understanding.

**

Tara Mohr's five questions for 2014:

1. What have you always believed about yourself that life is showing you may not be true?

2. Where do you complicate life by turning outward for advice instead of trusting the answer within?

3. What's scary and what's thrilling about trusting yourself more immediately and more often?

4. What kinds of self-care truly feel like self-care to you (and not like a self-care to-do list)?

5. Where in your life might less (less effort, work, time perfection, research, activity, etc.) actually be more?

#2 and #3 feel especially important for me right now! Tara is hosting a call TONIGHT at 7pm EST to walk through this exercise if you're interested.

**

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TED talk on the problematic single story:

p.s. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is also featured in Beyonce's song "Flawless" (around 1:00).  Don't miss Adichie's TEDxEuston talk on how we should all be feminists.Thanks to both women for being awesome and claiming feminism!

**

Danielle LaPorte on friendship & making the trip (or as she so eloquently states "getting off your ass for love")

**

Loneliness in a connected world:

**

My word for 2014: COURAGE

**

Worthiness & Partnership

Happy New Year! Apologies for the recent posting hiatus, BUT I am officially back in action and pumped for 2014. To kick off the year, I'm going to mix things up by responding to a great question posed by one of my friends:

Q: How can we maintain a sense of self worth (i.e. I am worthy of love & belonging now) while also acknowledging that our insecurities/imperfections may prevent us from being a good partner to someone else at this particular moment?

While I am no dating expert, romantic partnerships are all about human connection - a subject that many of you know I'm quite fond of, so here we go...

1. We are only responsible for (and in control of) 50% of a relationship. We can do everything “right” (show up, communicate, offer love & support), and the relationship may still fail. That is the reality when we are only half of the whole. We tend to take relationship failures very personally and sometimes see our partners’ actions as a measure of our worthiness, but our partners' actions (good and bad) are simply a reflection of what Don Miguel Ruiz calls their "dream" (or their illusion), and we're all living in one. That's another post...
2.  Connection is what happens between people when they feel seen and heard. Connection is about two equal partners listening to and communicating with each other. It sounds basic, but it's extremely difficult. Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like someone really got you/saw you? Those moments typically make an impression on us because they are rare. Connection is NOT about being a better catch than the next person. In fact, that type of "performing" quickly unravels connection. (Also, on the subject of connection & communication, we should not expect our partners to magically know what we need; we should be prepared to tell them what we need and expect the same from them.)
3. All humans are imperfect (and will always be imperfect). Therefore, we should expect insecurities to present themselves at varying degrees throughout our lives (the question is will we let them run our lives?). Imperfection is the human condition, so the sooner we can embrace imperfection in ourselves and our partners, the happier we will be. (Typically the degree to which we can tolerate imperfection in ourselves is the degree to which we can tolerate imperfection in others.) Being honest about our insecurities is the best policy. All we can ask of ourselves and others is to start where we are; this involves making room for our entire selves (the good, the bad, and the ugly)...so challenging but so worth it.
4. Individual identities are not fixed - they're variable. We're great at putting people in boxes, and we like them to stay in those boxes. We do the same thing in our relationships by holding onto fixed ideas of who our partners are (and fixed ideas of who we are). This becomes problematic because the truth is everyone is constantly evolving. Great relationships help both individuals evolve independent of each other while also allowing the partnership to evolve in a positive direction. We should expect to grow in our lifetimes, and we should allow our partners to do the same. BUT please note that we cannot change our partners; it is not our right or our responsibility, and their willingness/unwillingness to change is NOT a reflection of how much they care about us (see #1).
5. Healing starts with the self but thrives in relationship. There is a great book ME Before WE that really drives this point home: if we are looking for the 'one' that will completely transform our lives, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. No one can save us from ourselves, and that is WAY too much pressure to put on another person or a relationship. Instead, we should set the wheels in motion first and approach relationships as a complement to our growth and an addition to our quality of life. How do we do that? Well, self awareness is step one. Take an inventory. What is working? What is not working? What are your values? What is your definition of a life well lived? Having a good sense of ME at this moment in time allows us to 1) choose partners that add to our lives and 2) learn more about who we are. The deepest levels of healing happen in relationships - romantic or platonic - when we realize that we are all in this together; that is connection at its finest!

In my opinion, being a "good partner" boils down to being self aware, honest, communicative, and authentic. Thoughts?

Meeting Failure & Disappointment

Fear of failure. Fear of disappointment. We know them well. They can keep us from making important changes, from standing up for ourselves and others, from pursuing work/travel/hobbies that really speak to us. But Mark Nepo offers a wise way to meet the fears of "not getting what we want" in his beautiful book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen:

We are taught early on that to have ambition and to work toward it is how we contribute to the world and move ahead. In and of itself, this is true. But along the way, we often incubate a self-centeredness that breeds like bacteria in the dark corners of our psyches and something else happens. We begin to associate getting what we want with success and not getting what we want with failure. We begin to expect that we can will things to happen, that we have some right to control events. We are deemed skillful if we can steer people without their knowledge. Soon we wake with a sense of entitlement: that we have a right to have things go our way; a right to get what we want; a right to steer people and events toward our will.

Of course, life has other things to say about all this. Sooner or later, everyone will face not getting what they want. How we respond to this unavoidable moment determines how much peace or agitation we will have in our lives. This is the moment that opens all others, for our acceptance of things as they are and not as we would have them allows us to find our place in the stream of life. Free of our entitlements, we can discover that we are small fish in the stream and go about our business of finding the current.

This deeper chance to shed our willfulness does not preclude our sadness and disappointment that things aren't going the way we had imagined. But when we stay angry and resentful at how life unfolds beyond our will, we refuse the gifts of being a humble part in the inscrutable Whole. (...)

When we can stop blaming others or nature or God for not getting what we want and be honest about what this inevitable rearrangement does to us, then humility and compassion are possible. (...)

Eventually we are asked to undo the story we have been told about life - or the story we have told ourselves - so we might drop freshly into life. For under all of our attempts to script our lives, life itself cannot be scripted. 

This passage brought two important things to light for me:

1. I have, in fact, spent most of my life believing that I could will things to happen. It sounds ridiculous and laughable when I put that down on paper, but it's true. The acknowledgment and release of that belief is nothing short of liberating. I can hold myself responsible for my actions, but that is where my responsibility ends. Life involves multiple parties, and after I do my part, I've got to let the rest go.
2. I believed that life could be scripted. Theoretically I understood that things could change in an instant - that I could lose someone I loved, that I could fall ill. Nevertheless, I harbored a misguided belief that if I lived my life in a certain manner, I had a right to a particular kind of life - a scripted life.

And I don't think I'm alone.

We often experience failure as a form of punishment - as if we should have been able to secure our desired outcome if only we had done X,Y, and Z. But when outcomes involve others' cooperation (individuals or organizations), it's important to understand what lies outside of our sphere of influence. And surrender.

In Case of Emergency

Mark Nepo shared this great anecdote with Oprah on a recent episode of  Super Soul Sunday: 

I had carried around a suitcase from adolescence that said 'open in case of emergency.' Well, when the emergency came, I opened it, and there was nothing in it. So why was I going to keep carrying it around? Not only am I lighter now, but I had to start looking for the real tools that help us live.

What story/fear are you carrying around that is keeping you from living your life?

Don't worry, you're in good company: when it comes to contingency planning, I am an expert. Not only do I consider personal finance a hobby, I study grief, shame, and uncertainty...for fun. My initial interest in these subjects was largely motivated by my love of contingency planning. I aimed to map out my healing plan, to maximize my well being, and to reduce the probability of a mid-life crisis. I thought an academic approach to grief, shame, and uncertainty would appease my analytical mind and give me the best shot at accomplishing all of the above. In many ways, it did, but more importantly, it moved me in the direction of the heart. 

It's easy to become distant from the heart or at least skeptical of the heart. We live in a society that celebrates rational decision making, and for whatever reason, we have come to associate the heart with irrational behavior. If you tell someone that you made a decision from your heart (especially outside of the scope of a romantic relationship), he or she may respond with genuine concern or attempt to say something supportive like do what you love. While phrases likedo what you love are well meaning, I think theycheapen heart-based decision making. Our hearts are wise. They issue challenges and urge us to step into the unfamiliar. Our hearts keep our stories interesting! We may meet these callings with a no, thank you, but regardless, the whispers offer guidance.

When I reflect on the power of the heart, I think of all of the stories that have truly moved me. Every one of them involves individuals - real or fictional - who are driven to action by their hearts. Sure, these individuals encounter disappointment and naysayers along the way, but ultimately they find a courage and an inner peace that cannot be destroyed by crisis. I know I'm not the only one who digs this story line because it sells. But it also appeals to a common experience - a longing, a drive, a desire that we have all felt at one time or another to do something that is representative of our life well-lived. That is the heart!

The heart is a tool that helps us live. It can tell us a lot about what we need and what we want to contribute. The question is will we listen?

Taking Up Space

To take up space means to own your experience, to accept responsibility for your choices, and to participate in conversations that mean something to you. Do you feel entitled to take up space in this world?

A number of authors have discussed this idea in the context of gender: women and girls are encouraged to stay small, to accommodate others, to shrink their bodies and their ambitions. Men and boys are expected to play rough, to outperform others, to dominate the room and bring home the accolades. It's easy to see how these contradictory expectations could contribute to an imbalance - a world in which men occupy more space than women. However, this model for space is far too simplistic. Obviously gender roles are a factor (and hurt men, too), but there are many other variables, including expectations associated with race, sexual preference, and class. But here's the real paradox: you can have every societal card stacked in your favor and still feel excruciatingly unworthy. 

Plato

I believe widespread unworthiness is one of the major crises facing our society today. We struggle with vulnerability, we struggle with imperfection, and we struggle with intimacy. Our pain leads us to drive ourselves and others into further isolation (e.g.). We criticize, we blame, and we exclude. Or we retreat and become disillusioned and bitter. We start believing that people are inherently bad and not to be trusted, and eventually we start believing that about ourselves.

Despite all of the pain and suffering in the world, I still believe in basic goodness.  We are built for community. We are built for intimacy. We are built for connection. Hell is what we do to each other on earth in the absence of those things.

Healing involves relationship. Kristin Neff, an academic and author, identifies common humanity - the recognition of suffering as a shared human experience - as one of three key elements of self-compassion. The practice of compassion requires the acknowledgment of connectedness. In fact, moments of suffering can serve as opportunities to create community, to become intimate, and to connect.

That being said, it is difficult to navigate suffering. We may find ourselves falling into one of two traps: why me? or it could be worse. The why me? story paints us as victims of circumstance, disempowered and stuck. The could be worse story shames us into thinking that we are ungrateful and selfish.Both responses are dismissive of our experience, and both responses are isolating. How can we participate in our world if we feel powerless and/or guilty? 

I believe that taking up space is an exercise of worthiness. We all have the right to participate, to connect, and to love, BUT we have to believe this to be true in order to stand tall, to contribute. The recognition of our common humanity is a stepping stone to worthiness. It reminds us that there is no need to go it alone. It reminds us that many others have felt and/or feel the same way. It encourages us to share ourselves by occupying space and contributing our own unique gifts.

The Inside Job

Oprah hosted Anne Lamott on a recent episode of Super Soul Sunday, and their conversation was rich with insight. One concept, in particular, really resonated with me - this idea of the inside job. As Anne Lamott spoke of her upbringing, she told a familiar story:

I had been raised to believe that what I was seeking was out there. That I could buy it, achieve it, lease it, date it, "bring it home." And I didn't know that it was going to be an inside job. And I didn't have a little tool box to know how to find it on the inside. I only knew to do better and better and better. 

We're often encouraged to seek ease in our purchases, accomplishments, and relationships ("the one"), but such experiences of ease are fleeting. Our angst has a way of catching up with us, and it's not long before the discomfort and emptiness settle back in. Then we find ourselves jumping through the next hoop, thinking that hoop will be the answer. Tara Brach, author of Radical Self Acceptance, spoke of the Dalai Lama's astonishment at the degree to which Westerners loathe themselves. However, given Anne's familiar story, the epidemic makes sense: "better and better and better" is a set-up for exhaustion; it's a set-up for perfectionism and self-hate.

But there's another path...

The inside job is, as Carl Jung would say, our "journey to wholeness." It is our acceptance of our imperfection and the imperfection of all beings. It requires us to examine those parts of ourselves that we've internalized as deficiencies and have therefore hidden from the world. It requires us to observe the strategies we use to escape discomfort - by fleeing, fighting, and/or conforming. It is our belief in our basic goodness and the basic goodness of all beings. The inside job is not just a focus on self - it's a focus on community; its benefits extend to all members of our community when we practice self-compassion and self-love. The inside job is messy and slow and frightening, but it's equally liberating and gracious and joy-producing.

If you're interested in this concept, here are some great reads:

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Living Beautifully With Uncertainty & Change by Pema Chodron
• Unconditional Confidence by Pema Chodron (audio retreat/book available via iTunes)
• Self Compassion by Kristin Neff
• Radical Self Acceptance by Tara Brach

Shoot me a note if you want more resources...I have plenty! :)

On Transition

I attended Emerging Women Live two weeks ago. All I can say is WOW - the event blew my mind. There was also a moment that caught me by surprise. Tara Mohr, one of my favorite bloggers/writers, took the stage on Day Two and gave a beautiful talk on callings and playing big. She closed with the concept of the transition team - a concept near and dear to my heart:

If the angels could have sat you down for a chat when you were on the way in to this life (among some other comments about love, fear, and your glory), they might have said this:

Now, my dear, a little context: you are entering into a transitional time.

The past is a world led, designed, and defined by men. The future is a world led, designed, and defined by women and men. The present is the transition time. And we have decided to put you on the transition team. 

These are some things we don't know yet:

How to create a childhood worthy of the sacredness of the child. How to forgive ourselves, entirely. How to love without projection or dependence. How to honor the strength of love alongside the strength of might. How much we are held, blessed. What we would create, if we believed we could. We’re still young, still in an early era. The status quo is just a middle chapter. So have compassion for this fools’ world of ours. And don’t be afraid to be the one to help us turn the page.

I burst into tears when I heard Tara read those words aloud. They were happy tears. I was deeply touched. It was a moment of truth. Damn, I thought to myself, she nailed it. My dear friend Elizabeth grabbed my hand and sat with me in silent support.

And then I started to feel a little silly and embarrassed by my reaction. Why was I so emotional? I had read Tara's post more than a few times. I knew the drill. However, in retrospect, I understand and appreciate that moment because...

It is rare to not only receive permission but also encouragement to pursue what is truly important to us.

It is rare for someone to acknowledge and validate our struggle and our strength.

It is rare to be in the safe, warm presence of a true friend.

Thinking back it was an extraordinary moment. Permission and encouragement, acknowledgment and validation, companionship and love. Those moments are precious...and all too rare.

We're Not So Different, You and I...

We have become brilliant at performing for one another - at wearing our masks of success, beauty, genius, adventure, spontaneity. We perform in the pursuit of connection - to fit in, to belong -  but ultimately at the expense of connection. We, as a society, have never felt more alone.

I worry about us. Government shutdowns, economic uncertainty, random acts of violence. Fear is in the air. Fear drives extremism. I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG. SHUT UP. Fear drives anxiety - that edge/tight chest/gnawing feeling that makes us a little less empathetic, tolerant, and kind. Fear drives polarization and social and political paralysis. No handouts! No rights for you or you! We are left grasping for certainty, for something to hold onto.

***

It's perfectly human to look at someone else's life and think "must be nice." I'm certainly guilty of it. But the appeal is an illusion; it lies in the fact that we haven't been lugging around his or her baggage for our whole lives - the hard days, the heartbreaks, the losses. We come to the world with one experience, our story, and it's a mixed bag. Well, so is everyone else's.

However, when we perform for others, we suffer silently. They suffer silently. We, as a society, forget that certain rules apply to us all:

1. Suffering is a shared human experience. We are not alone in our pain. We are not defined by our pain. It is an inescapable part of life.
2. Uncertainty produces fear and anxiety. We live in an inherently uncertain world. Sometimes we will feel afraid. Sometimes we will feel anxious. That is OK.
3. Rejection hurts. Because...
4. We are hardwired for connection. We are not made to go it alone. Your community/relationships may look different than mine, but love and belonging are fundamental human needs.
5. Love heals. Not just romantic love. Self love. The love of family, friends, colleagues, peers.

In times of great uncertainty, we have each other. We need each other. It's positive sum.

Uncertainty = Possibility

The experience of uncertainty is uncomfortable; sometimes it's downright excruciating! Navigating uncertainty requires patience, open-mindedness, and trust, but the problem is we do NOT trust uncertainty. No, sir! We like to plan for and anticipate our life events. We have timelines and strategies. We like to call the shots.

However, life offers no guarantees (with the exception of death, of course). Perpetual uncertainty has always been a part of the human experience despite our best efforts to deny it, and much of our suffering stems from resisting uncertainty by playing it safe, bracing ourselves for the worst, or trying to control people and/or situations.

So onto the good news...

Pema Chodron, a brilliant spiritual teacher, has a more loving take on uncertainty. She refers to uncertainty as "fundamental openendedness." I love Pema's frame because an openended life implies a life ripe with possibility. If there are no guarantees, anything could happen. In fact, the freedom from guarantees allows us to be more creative and daring as we define our respective paths. It allows us to shed those limiting stories about our lives that we've carried for far too long. In this sense, uncertainty is liberating.

***

What are you waiting for right at this very moment?

The job? The promotion? The move? The relationship? The acceptance letter? The first home? The first child?

Waiting can be so uncomfortable; it even has the power to make us physically ill. We often believe that if we JUST knew how this one little thing would pan out, everything else would be OK. But we're kidding ourselves. Instead, we quickly divert our attention to the next thing - the next milestone. The waiting begins again, the what ifs? overwhelm us, and we think to ourselves, "man, I'll feel so much better as soon as I have resolution on this one last thing." And in that moment, we sincerely believe that one more resolution - one more piece of certainty - will curb our appetite for more. But then there's the next thing....

***

Life is a waiting game. The stakes get higher, and the uncertainty is perpetual. BUT uncertainty doesn't have to be the enemy; it could, in fact, serve us well. Maybe it will empower us to exceed our own expectations of what is possible for our lives? Maybe it will remind us that if nothing is guaranteed, we essentially have nothing to lose?

Anything could happen.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Young

No, really. Why all the hate? The narrative of Gen Yers as entitled, lazy, and delusional is becoming more and more pervasive. Not a day passes without a reference to "some kid" who thinks he knows what he is doing (implication: "IDIOT!"). Um...weren't you a "kid" once, too? 

I'm confused: I don't believe I'm better than you. I don't feel entitled to anything, especially without hard work. I don't live in a world of delusion. And I don't find myself to be unhappy.

I'm curious: at what age do I become relevant? At what age do my contributions start to matter?

I'm stuck: I can't skip this age, so what am I supposed to do now?

***

As one member of Gen Y, I will tell you this:

I am curious - about what I can accomplish here. And I strongly believe that we define the spectrum of possibility in our lives by believing in or doubting ourselves and our abilities. I am fighting hard to continue to believe in myself despite all of the messages that tell me I'm never enough - my age being one of them.

I am worthy - of love and belonging. Just like you. Not any more worthy than the next guy. Just worthy.

I am doing the best that I can - to show that I can add value as a young person while acknowledging that I do, in fact, have a lot to learn. And learning happens in time and with experience. But time & experience do not always equal learning, so I'm throwing myself a bone for being open to the lessons.

***

This anti-young person Gen Y narrative fails because it's disempowering - it stems from fear of change, from anger, from regret. This narrative fails because it assumes that there is some magic age at which people become capable of making the "right" decisions (enough said). This narrative fails because it equates entitlement to self worth. This narrative fails because there is more variation within groups than across groups. Most importantly, this narrative fails because we need each other. How can we connect when you doubt my worth on the regular?

What Would Bring You Peace?

I recently found myself in a difficult situation - one that literally hijacked my thoughts, emotions, and sense of well being. It was driving me crazy (!). Fortunately, a dear friend sat me down and asked an insightful question about my conundrum: what would bring you peace? So simple, but so revolutionary. Her question cut straight through my stories about the events that had transpired to the heart of the issue, and the solution became much clearer through this new frame.

But I'll tell you one thing...

The lack of peace I experienced was the most unsettling part of the whole ordeal. Harboring resentment, judgment, and anger is DRAINING; that was the real birthplace of my inner turmoil - not the situation itself. Sure, we are destined to find ourselves in a number of situations that make us want to read someone the riot act or run the other way as fast as humanly possible, but ultimately we must decide how to move forward without making ourselves collateral damage in the process. And it's no easy task!

Speaking of "easy," Rachel Cole makes a great distinction between ease, or inner peace, and the easy path forward:

it's easy to keep doing what we're doing. It’s easy not to ruffle feathers. But it’s ease that we’re given when we’re deeply fed. It’s ease that we feel when we stop resisting what’s calling us.

As we contemplate what would would bring us peace in a given situation, we'll most likely find that the answer lies in an interruption of our go-to coping mechanisms and/or a difficult conversation. But it's those very daring acts that will restore ease to our lives. And that, my friends, is worth everything!

p.s. Trish, thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Personal Growth Is Not Linear

I write about a number of big concepts (fear vs. love, authenticity, worthiness), and I'll be the first to admit that putting them into practice is no simple task. It's easy to feel defeated when it seems as though we've taken a step back (by lashing out, staying silent, causing harm to others, causing harm to ourselves). But the truth is growth is not linear. Setbacks should be expected and acknowledged as an important part of the process. There are good days and bad days. One day we feel grounded, committed to self-acceptance, tolerant of uncertainty. The next day we feel overwhelmed, frustrated by our lack of progress, fearful of the unknown. And the pendulum swings.

As we begin to interrupt old patterns of thought and action, we'll likely feel some high high's and low low's, and that is just fine. We have to build our endurance to live authentically. It takes courage, commitment, and patience, but like any consistent workout routine, it gets easier over time. Ultimately these practices become our new baseline, and we move forward to accept the next challenge.The key is to start where we are (which varies day to day) and be gentle to ourselves.

The Truth About Perfectionism

I used to think perfectionism was a cute response to a weakness identification question - surely it was a strength in disguise? It didn't seem to have a bad rap like anxiety or depression, and I innocently assumed that a "hint of perfectionism" was a prerequisite for success. However, when I discovered Brené Brown’s work on shame and human connection, I learned the truth about perfectionism. And it's not so pretty...

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

The problem is we will never meet perfectionism’s standards. It does not matter how high we achieve, how many hours we work, or how many kind gestures we make, perfectionism will always tell us that we could be or do more. When there are only two possible outcomes (perfection or failure), we will always fail. Our “failures” perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and we renew our vows to perfectionism in an effort to regain a sense of self worth. And then we fail again. It’s a vicious cycle that truly is the "perfect" set-up for self-hate.

Brown dispels two important myths about perfectionism in her book The Gifts of Imperfection:

1. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. When we can only live with “perfection,” we are not setting realistic, attainable goals for ourselves. And when we “fail” to rise to the occasion, our inner critic beats us up via hurtful self-talk (i.e. I’m so stupid. Why did I say that? I’m such a failure. I should just give up.). We punish ourselves for not living up to impossible standards. Most of us would NEVER talk to someone we cared about like that, so why do we continue to beat ourselves up over the smallest mistakes? Plus this fear of failure promotes a life of stagnation. How can we take risks and grow if we’re too afraid to fail? Perfectionism holds us back from being our best selves. 
2. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is the search for validation and affirmation from others. By pursuing perfection, we are attempting to control others’ perceptions of ourselves (i.e. What will they think of me if I do, say, or wear this?). Some people are just not going to like you, and it probably has nothing to do with you! Therefore, when we make our self worth dependent on others’ perceptions, we LOSE.

So how can we move from a place of perfectionism to a place of healthy personal growth? Brown offers some wisdom:

• First, we can start living from a place of worthiness. I am worthy of love and belonging NOW. My worthiness is not contingent on my accomplishments, appearance, relationships, or [insert ideal here]. I am enough exactly as I am today.For long time perfectionists, this mental shift will require a lot of discipline and practice, but it does get easier with time. The intention to redefine success outside of the realm of perfection is a huge feat in and of itself! One step at a time...
• Practice compassion toward yourself every step of the way. Dr. Kristin Neff describes three elements of self compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness:
  • Self-kindness involves being gentle with ourselves during times of struggle
  • Common humanity is our ability to recognize suffering as a universal, shared human experience
  • Mindfulness is the practice of taking a balanced approach to negative emotions - specifically, not over or under-identifying with painful emotions
  • Set realistic expectations of yourself. When defining your goals, use language like “I would like to improve on X” or “I want to accomplish X for me.” Steer clear of thought processes that go something like this: “I need to be different to be worthy” or “I should be x, y, and z.”

I am joining Brené as an aspiring good-enoughist!

Pulling From Our Strengths

Let's face it: feedback is unsettling. If you are anything like me, you are laser-focused on your weaknesses and, more importantly, on how to improve on them. But I think we might have this all wrong... Focusing exclusively on our weaknesses feeds the feelings that we are never enough. And Jia Jiang has already reminded us that rejection (read: bad feedback) is merely an opinion. Plus no one can do everything perfectly and trying to leads to a very unhappy existence (more on that later!). While it is important to be aware of our weaknesses - for team-building and damage control purposes, we can be incredibly more effective if we aware of and capitalize on our strengths.

What are strengths, you may ask?

Marcus Buckingham & Donald Clifton explore this concept in their book Now, Discover Your Strengths, but here are the highlights:

• A strength is defined as "consistent, near perfect performance in an activity"
  • Witnessing strengths-in-practice often "stimulates a feeling of awe"
• Strengths are built upon a cultivation of your natural talents; they are created from raw materials
  • Natural talents are defined as your "areas of greatest potential;" however, talent alone is value neutral - you've got to act!
• In order to build your strengths, identify your natural talents & refine them with knowledge & skills

The idea of strength-building reminded me of the scarcity/abundance dichotomy -  two very different worldviews that filter the way we see and experience our lives. Here are the key differences between scarcity and abundance:

A strengths-based approach to value creation is inherently abundant - there is unlimited opportunity for individuals to flourish by honing their unique set of natural talents. This is a positive-sum game where more than one skill set is welcome. Individuals and organizations win when we start to operate from the assumption that each member of our team has a different but valuable perspective to offer. We need more self actualized individuals to come together to solve the challenging problems we are facing today. I think it's time we give our strengths a little more energy.

p.s. if you're interested in this concept, Buckingham and Clifton offer an online assessment that identifies your top five natural talents (with purchase of their book Now, Discover Your Strengths).

p.p.s. here are two great resources on the subject of feedback: Brene Brown's engaged feedback checklist & Tara Mohr's loving reminders about feedback.