I used to believe that boundaries were acts of selfishness, and I know I am not the only one who bought into that myth. Over the course of our lives, we receive many mixed messages, and two conflicting stories kept resurfacing in my childhood and young adulthood: YOU vs. THEM. Proponents of "YOU" told me that this life was all about me, that I shouldn't compromise for anyone. Proponents of "THEM" told me that I had a responsibility to others before myself, that acting in my own self interest was a greedy and heartless pursuit. The truth is both arguments fall short in practice. YOU is lonely and ostracizing, and THEM is exhausting and unrealistic.
The magics happens at WE.
We have a responsibility to ourselves and others, and we contribute to others by caring for ourselves. At the end of the day, we can only give as much as we have. If we're completely exhausted by over-delivering in our relationships or at work, we will only have resentment, tears, and some harsh words to share with those around us. On the flip side, if we're rested and connected to ourselves, we are more patient and compassionate friends, partners, and colleagues. Susannah Conway put this beautifully:
In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do – heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on.
Enter boundaries.
Boundaries allow each of us to give voice to our needs and desires. This practice creates the opportunity to say, "yes, I hear that you need/desire X, Y, and Z right now, but I am only capable of providing A, B, and C." It holds the space for all parties to feel seen and heard - YOU and THEM. It keeps resentment at bay.And ultimately, our relationships grow stronger, respect deepens, and connection flourishes. I have seen proof of this in my own life and in the lives of those around me. Boundaries are true acts of love - we love ourselves and others by showing up and speaking honestly about what we want and need.