Happy New Year! Apologies for the recent posting hiatus, BUT I am officially back in action and pumped for 2014. To kick off the year, I'm going to mix things up by responding to a great question posed by one of my friends:
Q: How can we maintain a sense of self worth (i.e. I am worthy of love & belonging now) while also acknowledging that our insecurities/imperfections may prevent us from being a good partner to someone else at this particular moment?
While I am no dating expert, romantic partnerships are all about human connection - a subject that many of you know I'm quite fond of, so here we go...
- We are only responsible for (and in control of) 50% of a relationship. We can do everything “right” (show up, communicate, offer love & support), and the relationship may still fail. That is the reality when we are only half of the whole. We tend to take relationship failures very personally and sometimes see our partners’ actions as a measure of our worthiness, but our partners' actions (good and bad) are simply a reflection of what Don Miguel Ruiz calls their "dream" (or their illusion), and we're all living in one. That's another post...
- Connection is what happens between people when they feel seen and heard. Connection is about two equal partners listening to and communicating with each other. It sounds basic, but it's extremely difficult. Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like someone really got you/saw you? Those moments typically make an impression on us because they are rare. Connection is NOT about being a better catch than the next person. In fact, that type of "performing" quickly unravels connection. (Also, on the subject of connection & communication, we should not expect our partners to magically know what we need; we should be prepared to tell them what we need and expect the same from them.)
- All humans are imperfect (and will always be imperfect). Therefore, we should expect insecurities to present themselves at varying degrees throughout our lives (the question is will we let them run our lives?). Imperfection is the human condition, so the sooner we can embrace imperfection in ourselves and our partners, the happier we will be. (Typically the degree to which we can tolerate imperfection in ourselves is the degree to which we can tolerate imperfection in others.) Being honest about our insecurities is the best policy. All we can ask of ourselves and others is to start where we are; this involves making room for our entire selves (the good, the bad, and the ugly)...so challenging but so worth it.
- Individual identities are not fixed - they're variable. We're great at putting people in boxes, and we like them to stay in those boxes. We do the same thing in our relationships by holding onto fixed ideas of who our partners are (and fixed ideas of who we are). This becomes problematic because the truth is everyone is constantly evolving. Great relationships help both individuals evolve independent of each other while also allowing the partnership to evolve in a positive direction. We should expect to grow in our lifetimes, and we should allow our partners to do the same. BUT please note that we cannot change our partners; it is not our right or our responsibility, and their willingness/unwillingness to change is NOT a reflection of how much they care about us (see #1).
- Healing starts with the self but thrives in relationship. There is a great book ME Before WE that really drives this point home: if we are looking for the 'one' that will completely transform our lives, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. No one can save us from ourselves, and that is WAY too much pressure to put on another person or a relationship. Instead, we should set the wheels in motion first and approach relationships as a complement to our growth and an addition to our quality of life. How do we do that? Well, self awareness is step one. Take an inventory. What is working? What is not working? What are your values? What is your definition of a life well lived? Having a good sense of ME at this moment in time allows us to 1) choose partners that add to our lives and 2) learn more about who we are. The deepest levels of healing happen in relationships - romantic or platonic - when we realize that we are all in this together; that is connection at its finest!
In my opinion, being a "good partner" boils down to being self aware, honest, communicative, and authentic. Thoughts?