Difficult people. They have been described as our greatest teachers. They expose our deepest insecurities and bring our most limiting beliefs to light. We all have difficult people in our lives, and we've probably read many conflicting opinions on how to navigate these relationships - opinions on the "strongest" choice or the "right" choice in different circumstances. While I wholeheartedly believe that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, sometimes the most loving choice is to walk away. I call this loving people from afar.
The idea of loving people from afar was inspired by a Q&A with Pema Chodron. An audience member raised a question about an abusive romantic partner - specifically, how was she supposed to practice love toward her partner when he was causing her such harm? Pema pointed out that by leaving the relationship, the audience member was not only practicing self love but also practicing love toward her partner by giving him an opportunity to experience freedom from his self destructive patterns. In other words, her leaving would disrupt his habit of acting out, and, without the convenience of a scapegoat, he would have an opportunity to choose self accountability.
“It is becoming increasingly evident to me how vital self-accountabilty is for a meaningful and happy existence. In fact, I don’t know a single happy person who is not completely self-accountable.”
We can apply this example to any consistently antagonistic relationships in our lives - hard family dynamics, challenging friends, you name it. But of course there is no steadfast rule, no magic formula, that will tell you if and when the choice to walk away is right for you. In some cases, the most loving choice may be to work through a conflict with a willing, cooperative party, and in others, it may be to cut ties completely. The key is to acknowledge that we can only hold ourselves responsible for our actions in a relationship; we are only 50% of the equation.
When we frame walking away as a loving choice, as loving people from afar, we honor those relationships while freeing ourselves of the emotional turmoil and suffering associated with their presence in our lives.
I invite you to test this for yourself.