Being a human is challenging - we're navigating impermanence, loss, fear, suffering, scarcity of resources, cruelty of other human beings, illness, rejection, and failure simultaneously. When we layer on the societal expectations associated with our biology, race, sexual preference, nationality (the list goes on...), life becomes increasingly complicated. It's easy to see how we can get lost in the noise and start defining ourselves by society's view of who we ought to be. Or how we begin to dissociate from our experience to numb the pain of hiding from our true selves. So let's talk about expectations imposed on females in the US...
Women are socialized to believe that they should do and be everything - for/to their families, friends, bosses, and colleagues. Maybe this is why there are countless articles, books, and films wrestling with the question "can women have it all?" Brené Brown eloquently tackles the female double bind in her latest book Daring Greatly:
- "Be perfect, but don't make a fuss about it and don't take time away from anything, like your family or your partner or your work, to achieve your perfection. If you're good, perfection should be easy.
- Don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, but say what is on your mind.
- Dial the sexuality way up, but dial it way down at the PTO meeting.
- Just be yourself, but not if it means being shy or unsure.
- Don't make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
- Don't get too emotional, but don't be too detached either. Too emotional and you're hysterical. Too detached and you're a coldhearted b*tch."
Every example offered by Brown addresses conflicting expectations - to speak my mind or spare someone's feelings? to be authentic or suppress my vulnerabilities? So naturally this "lose-lose" scenario leaves us feeling like we're never enough. And this feeling has consequences:
- Guilty or ashamed mothers - at home and in the workplace
- Guilty or ashamed daughters
- Guilty or ashamed partners
- Guilty or ashamed managers, peers, & employees
But worst of all this feeling of never enough makes it all the more unlikely that we will demand societal change. Why? Because falling short of the female "ideal" can feel painfully personal. It's easy to assume that other women just have it all figured out. However, the reality is the game is rigged. No one wins.
When it comes to the matters of our lives, we are in choice. We have to decide where and with whom we will invest our time and energy. We can keep chasing approval by engaging in the fruitless attempt to comply with the standards set by our society, or we can make decisions that are in integrity with our true selves. When we live from a place of authenticity, our lives become an expression of our personal values. Values are not morals or ethics. Rachel Cole describes them as qualities of your life fully lived; values are intrinsic to you. If value assessments started to drive decision-making, we would live in a society that celebrated difference, not feared it. Difference would be a sign that we're connecting to our own definition of a life well lived. Proof of human creative potential at work. A marker of authenticity.