Feminism Is About 'Doing Better' As Males & Females

In April, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie delivered an incredibly poignant talk on feminism at TEDxEuston. She addressed the baggage associated with the term feminism - i.e. "women who are unhappy because they cannot find husbands." She spoke about the narrow definitions of masculinity - a "hard cage" that limits male individuality and produces fragile egos that women have to tip-toe around. She spoke about how we teach girls to aspire to marriage and how we do not teach boys the same.  And she closed with her own definition of feminism:

A feminist is a man or a woman who says, "yes, there is a problem with gender as it is today, and we must fix it - we must do better."

Males & females

Gender is a difficult conversation to have. Most people I know hate talking about it, and I think it's natural to try to dodge such an uncomfortable topic - for the fear of sounding whiny and/or trivial or out of a true misunderstanding of feminism. The problem is when we ignore the role that gender plays in our experiences, we don't see any meaningful change. And we need change.

Sexual assault is one consequence of our problematic gender norms. When a sexual assault story goes viral, the public discourse usually looks like this: what was she wearing? Was she drinking? Was she flirting? Does she have a promiscuous sexual history? Does she fraternize with the "wrong" group? We always look for her mistake. Then we qualify why she was on the receiving end of such a horrible act - "oh, well, I never dress like that when I go out." The odd thing about this discourse is that the perpetrators - who are overwhelmingly male - often disappear from the conversation. Where do they go? Why have we stopped caring about the why? We seem to accept that men just can't help themselves when presented with an opportunity to assault a female, and I believe that such an assumption is an insult to males everywhere - an insult to all human beings. Adichie eloquently captured this phenomenon in her talk:

We have been raised to think of women as inherently guilty. Raised to expect so little of men that the idea of men as savage beings without any control is somehow acceptable. We teach girls shame - close your legs, cover yourself. We make them feel as though by being born female they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say that they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form.

We owe it to ourselves - as human beings, as males & females - to challenge the public discourse on sexual violence. Why are we so suspicious of females, and why do we think so little of males? We owe it to ourselves to call into question a culture that silences half of its population and minimizes the other half. We deserve to live in a society of true individuals - not gender stereotypes. To quote Adichie, I hope we can all agree that "there is a problem with gender as it is today, and we must fix it - we must do better." Join me?

Watch her talk here:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg3umXU_qWc&w=560&h=315]

Boundaries Are Acts of Love

I used to believe that boundaries were acts of selfishness, and I know I am not the only one who bought into that myth. Over the course of our lives, we receive many mixed messages, and two conflicting stories kept resurfacing in my childhood and young adulthood: YOU vs. THEM. Proponents of "YOU" told me that this life was all about me, that I shouldn't compromise for anyone. Proponents of "THEM" told me that I had a responsibility to others before myself, that acting in my own self interest was a greedy and heartless pursuit. The truth is both arguments fall short in practice. YOU is lonely and ostracizing, and THEM is exhausting and unrealistic.

The magics happens at WE. 

We have a responsibility to ourselves and others, and we contribute to others by caring for ourselves. At the end of the day, we can only give as much as we have. If we're completely exhausted by over-delivering in our relationships or at work, we will only have resentment, tears, and some harsh words to share with those around us. On the flip side, if we're rested and connected to ourselves, we are more patient and compassionate friends, partners, and colleagues. Susannah Conway put this beautifully:

In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do – heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on.

Enter boundaries.

Boundaries allow each of us to give voice to our needs and desires. This practice creates the opportunity to say, "yes, I hear that you need/desire X, Y, and Z right now, but I am only capable of providing A, B, and C." It holds the space for all parties to feel seen and heard - YOU and THEM. It keeps resentment at bay.And ultimately, our relationships grow stronger, respect deepens, and connection flourishes. I have seen proof of this in my own life and in the lives of those around me. Boundaries are true acts of love - we love ourselves and others by showing up and speaking honestly about what we want and need. 

Who Runs The World?

Not "girls" like one of my favorite Beyonce songs suggests. Men run the world - at least that is true today. The facts speak for themselves:

• Women represent 4% of Fortune 500 CEOS
• Women hold 18% of seats in Congress (The US is 90th in the world in terms of women in national legislatures)
• Women hold 5% of clout positions in mainstream media
• Only 33 of the 196 countries in the world have had a female president - that is 16.8%
• 20 female leaders are still in power today
• Women in the US earn $0.77 on the dollar relative to their male counterparts

Source: MissRepresentation.org

Since women represent 51% of our population, I think we can all agree that there is some untapped value out there. That's not to say that men don't make wonderful leaders. They do. But women make brilliant leaders, too. Why can't we enjoy both?

Many argue that institutions stand in our way. Others look to gender roles. Some even propose that women are biologically precluded from being successful professionals. The more I read about these issues, the more I believe that meaningful societal change starts with a belief that we are worthy. Because it is our opinions of ourselves that define the spectrum of possibility in our lives. If we don't believe we are capable of accomplishing X, why would we go out there and pursue it? We wouldn't run that risk. However, when we own our value, we become advocates for ourselves and demand change from the very institutions and policies that hold us back. We step out of the boxes people try to keep us in and let ourselves be seen.

Beyonce is a professional who I deeply admire. That may sound silly upon first read, but this is a woman who runs an incredible business, who truly loves her craft, who is celebrated as one of the best performers in history, who claims feminism (hallelujah!). In her documentary "Life Is But A Dream," Beyonce addresses worthiness as it relates to female professionals - albeit in different words:

Women have to work much harder to make it in this world. It really pisses me off that women don’t get the same opportunities as men do, or money for that matter. Because let's face it, money gives men the power to run the show. It gives men the power to define our values and to define what’s sexy and what’s feminine, and that’s bullshit. At the end of the day, it’s not about equal rights, it’s about how we think. We have to reshape our own perception of how we view ourselves.

Self worth is key. It gives us the confidence to ask questions, to redefine the possible, to embrace abundance.

The problem is we are experiencing a crisis of self worth in this country - men & women alike are feeling the consequences of this. What happens when our self worth is on the line? We stop taking the necessary risks to live our own lives and let fear call the shots. Fear loves the status quo, so men are pressured to get to the top of public institutions, and women are encouraged to stay small and quiet in the home or in the lower ranks of organizations. While the manifestation of these roles may genuinely align with the values of certain individuals, it doesn't work for everyone - and the stats on women in leadership do not represent that variation.

Fear

I want to live in a society where both males and females run the show. Where women do not replace men, but join men in defining our values, transforming our institutions, and calling the shots. I strongly believe that everyone benefits from leadership that represents the diversity of our population and our experiences (far above and beyond gender diversity). So let's start running the world with men...because we have a valuable contribution to make, too.

Current Self vs. Future Self

About a year ago, I stumbled upon a memorable post by Justine Musk, which focused on the concept of the current self versus the future self – that is, who we are today and who we envision ourselves becoming in ten, twenty, thirty years from now. As a twenty-something, the future self is a hot topic in my circle of friends. It also seems to be the root of our anxiety, indecision, and occasional paralysis. Am I doing the "right" thing for my future? What "should" I be doing at [insert age here!]? What type of position am I in – personally & professionally – relative to my peers? 

Sound familiar?

It's easy to forget that our current and future self share the same body, mind, and soul. That to realize our dreams down the road, we must start taking care of ourselves right now. We don't just shed our present identity at some later date – our angst, bad moods, bad habits, and feelings of inadequacy come along for the ride. So do our positive relationships, strength, joy, and gratitude.

Which brings me to my favorite excerpt from Justine's post:

Everything matters.

‘Everything’ has a way of breaking down into small things: small tasks, small choices. Small things have a way of adding up, and when we come into our future self, we come into a reckoning.

If we chose the cake or the apple, the walk or the television rerun, to pick up or put down the cigarette. If we shopped more than we earned. If we showed up in our relationships or neglected them for the more immediate thrill of whatever. If we showed up for anything at all. If we fought – fought hard – to build momentum. If we succumbed to the bullshit or figured out how, in our own way, to stand up to it. If we had the courage to admit our mistakes and tear down what we needed to tear down, in order to build something new, whole and right. If we chose the right person to be with. If we chose the right people to be around, to influence our views and habits.

If we chose to add value to others – and ourselves – or to subtract.

There is no grand aha moment, no point at which the fog magically clears. Our future self starts now. It's an extension of the very same person we are today. Do you like what you see?

Navigating Rejection

One of my favorite speakers at the World Domination Summit shared a beautiful story about rejection - how he faced it, felt the pain of it, and ultimately embraced it. Here are a few of the best moments from Jia Jiang's talk:

I ran away from rejection , and I ended up rejecting myself. 

Rejection is nothing more than an opinion. 

What if I didn't ask?

If you act, you will not be ignored.

Watch it here:

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/70167462]

The bottom line: act on love, not fear. Actions fueled by love will allow you to follow your intuition and pursue your boldest dreams. Actions fueled by fear will have you settle for the mediocre/comfortable/uninspiring. Self rejection is far more dangerous than rejection from others. If you reject yourself, your body and soul will continue to scream for more...because you deserve more.

Great Expectations vs. Authenticity

Being a human is challenging - we're navigating impermanence, loss, fear, suffering, scarcity of resources, cruelty of other human beings, illness, rejection, and failure simultaneously. When we layer on the societal expectations associated with our biology, race, sexual preference, nationality (the list goes on...), life becomes increasingly complicated. It's easy to see how we can get lost in the noise and start defining ourselves by society's view of who we ought to be. Or how we begin to dissociate from our experience to numb the pain of hiding from our true selves. So let's talk about expectations imposed on females in the US...

Women are socialized to believe that they should do and be everything - for/to their families, friends, bosses, and colleagues.  Maybe this is why there are countless articles, books, and films wrestling with the question "can women have it all?" Brené Brown eloquently tackles the female double bind in her latest book Daring Greatly:

• "Be perfect, but don't make a fuss about it and don't take time away from anything, like your family or your partner or your work, to achieve your perfection. If you're good, perfection should be easy.
• Don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, but say what is on your mind.
• Dial the sexuality way up, but dial it way down at the PTO meeting.
• Just be yourself, but not if it means being shy or unsure.
• Don't make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
• Don't get too emotional, but don't be too detached either. Too emotional and you're hysterical. Too detached and you're a coldhearted b*tch."

Every example offered by Brown addresses conflicting expectations - to speak my mind or spare someone's feelings? to be authentic or suppress my vulnerabilities? So naturally this "lose-lose" scenario leaves us feeling like we're never enough. And this feeling has consequences:

• Guilty or ashamed mothers - at home and in the workplace
• Guilty or ashamed daughters
• Guilty or ashamed partners
• Guilty or ashamed managers, peers, & employees

But worst of all this feeling of never enough makes it all the more unlikely that we will demand societal change. Why? Because falling short of the female "ideal" can feel painfully personal. It's easy to assume that other women just have it all figured out. However, the reality is the game is rigged. No one wins.

When it comes to the matters of our lives, we are in choice.  We have to decide where and with whom we will invest our time and energy. We can keep chasing approval by engaging in the fruitless attempt to comply with the standards set by our society, or we can make decisions that are in integrity with our true selves. When we live from a place of authenticity, our lives become an expression of our personal values. Values are not morals or ethics. Rachel Cole describes them as qualities of your life fully lived; values are intrinsic to you. If value assessments started to drive decision-making, we would live in a society that celebrated difference, not feared it. Difference would be a sign that we're connecting to our own definition of a life well lived. Proof of human creative potential at work. A marker of authenticity.

Getting To Know Fear

In early July, I traveled to Portland for the World Domination Summit - an annual event that celebrates community, service, and adventure. The conference explores an important question - how can we live remarkable lives in a conventional world? But I was more interested in this question - how do I define success on my own terms? The speakers varied in background and discipline, but every single one of them touched on fear - how it shows up & the role it can play in our lives.

Fear can be incredibly debilitating. It has the power to crush our beautiful dreams in a matter of minutes with all of the what ifs? and who do you think you ares?. The funny thing is that we often buy into the idea that fear serves us - that fear is a faithful protector who encourages us to be realistic about our desires and ambitions. BUT Donald Miller summed it up best:

Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life. 

If we are flirting with a personal or professional change, fear is typically the first voice that shows up in our self talk. It paints change as an imminent threat and encourages us to keep on keeping on. It's a fierce advocate of the status quo and offers endless reasons why our new initiative is destined to fail. Therefore, recognizing fear and observing how it manifests in our self talk and actions are key to creating lasting change in our lives. Behind the voice of fear lies insecurity. Here's an example:

Dream: I want to become a CEO.

Fear (via self talk):What makes you any more qualified than the next person to become a CEO? You're not as naturally smart as others, you just work hard. Look at Sally, she deserves it more than you do. You're a slacker. You just happened to get a lucky break, but soon everyone will realize that you're not as smart as they had originally thought. 

Insecurity: Self doubt concerning intelligence

How motivated would this internal monologue leave you to keep pushing ahead? Umm...yeah, not so excited about that big dream anymore.

However, if you noticed, the fear-based thoughts are much more threatening than the insecurity itself. By identifying our insecurities, we can go straight to the source and focus on the underlying premise that is encouraging fear to act out. That being said, working with our insecurities requires tremendous self compassion. Be gentle with yourself! Every human being battles insecurities - although they may look different from person to person.

The next time you're entertaining a change, remember:

1. Fear will fight you on change, but....
2. Great stories happen when characters take action! - Donald Miller

SO challenge fear and act from a place of love. Then life won't be so boring after all...

Let's Redefine Feminism...

As a young female interested in understanding and promoting empowering workplaces, I'd like to go on the record and say that I've had enough of the Mom vs. Worker debate. The hostile finger-pointing that characterizes recent conversation leaves audiences feeling hopeless, bitter, and fearful. Instead, I'd like to propose that there is no "right" way to live professionally or personally, and we should not feel offended/threatened by decisions that do not reflect our own path. Variation should be expected, not criticized! That is what keeps things interesting. I'd also like to take this opportunity to redefine a frequently used but misunderstood concept - feminism.

Feminism is...

• equality - specifically, feminism is the belief that women and men are equal;
• about belonging - in our societies, workplaces, and families; and
• about being significant - on a physical, emotional, social, and political level

Feminism is NOT...

• the belief that women are better than men;
• the belief that women don't need men; or
• the belief that women are any more important than other "classes" of society

It's that simple.

However, the vast majority of our public is SO reluctant to claim feminism. Ask most young women if they are feminists, and you'd be surprised by how many would respond with qualified "no's." No good! Sure, the term itself has a bad rap, but my fear is that this is a much deeper issue. And it begs the following questions:

How can women effectively work in companies and organizations where they feel less worthy/valuable than their male colleagues?

How can women effectively contribute to a society in which they feel they do not belong?