Taking Up Space

To take up space means to own your experience, to accept responsibility for your choices, and to participate in conversations that mean something to you. Do you feel entitled to take up space in this world?

A number of authors have discussed this idea in the context of gender: women and girls are encouraged to stay small, to accommodate others, to shrink their bodies and their ambitions. Men and boys are expected to play rough, to outperform others, to dominate the room and bring home the accolades. It's easy to see how these contradictory expectations could contribute to an imbalance - a world in which men occupy more space than women. However, this model for space is far too simplistic. Obviously gender roles are a factor (and hurt men, too), but there are many other variables, including expectations associated with race, sexual preference, and class. But here's the real paradox: you can have every societal card stacked in your favor and still feel excruciatingly unworthy. 

Plato

I believe widespread unworthiness is one of the major crises facing our society today. We struggle with vulnerability, we struggle with imperfection, and we struggle with intimacy. Our pain leads us to drive ourselves and others into further isolation (e.g.). We criticize, we blame, and we exclude. Or we retreat and become disillusioned and bitter. We start believing that people are inherently bad and not to be trusted, and eventually we start believing that about ourselves.

Despite all of the pain and suffering in the world, I still believe in basic goodness.  We are built for community. We are built for intimacy. We are built for connection. Hell is what we do to each other on earth in the absence of those things.

Healing involves relationship. Kristin Neff, an academic and author, identifies common humanity - the recognition of suffering as a shared human experience - as one of three key elements of self-compassion. The practice of compassion requires the acknowledgment of connectedness. In fact, moments of suffering can serve as opportunities to create community, to become intimate, and to connect.

That being said, it is difficult to navigate suffering. We may find ourselves falling into one of two traps: why me? or it could be worse. The why me? story paints us as victims of circumstance, disempowered and stuck. The could be worse story shames us into thinking that we are ungrateful and selfish.Both responses are dismissive of our experience, and both responses are isolating. How can we participate in our world if we feel powerless and/or guilty? 

I believe that taking up space is an exercise of worthiness. We all have the right to participate, to connect, and to love, BUT we have to believe this to be true in order to stand tall, to contribute. The recognition of our common humanity is a stepping stone to worthiness. It reminds us that there is no need to go it alone. It reminds us that many others have felt and/or feel the same way. It encourages us to share ourselves by occupying space and contributing our own unique gifts.

The Inside Job

Oprah hosted Anne Lamott on a recent episode of Super Soul Sunday, and their conversation was rich with insight. One concept, in particular, really resonated with me - this idea of the inside job. As Anne Lamott spoke of her upbringing, she told a familiar story:

I had been raised to believe that what I was seeking was out there. That I could buy it, achieve it, lease it, date it, "bring it home." And I didn't know that it was going to be an inside job. And I didn't have a little tool box to know how to find it on the inside. I only knew to do better and better and better. 

We're often encouraged to seek ease in our purchases, accomplishments, and relationships ("the one"), but such experiences of ease are fleeting. Our angst has a way of catching up with us, and it's not long before the discomfort and emptiness settle back in. Then we find ourselves jumping through the next hoop, thinking that hoop will be the answer. Tara Brach, author of Radical Self Acceptance, spoke of the Dalai Lama's astonishment at the degree to which Westerners loathe themselves. However, given Anne's familiar story, the epidemic makes sense: "better and better and better" is a set-up for exhaustion; it's a set-up for perfectionism and self-hate.

But there's another path...

The inside job is, as Carl Jung would say, our "journey to wholeness." It is our acceptance of our imperfection and the imperfection of all beings. It requires us to examine those parts of ourselves that we've internalized as deficiencies and have therefore hidden from the world. It requires us to observe the strategies we use to escape discomfort - by fleeing, fighting, and/or conforming. It is our belief in our basic goodness and the basic goodness of all beings. The inside job is not just a focus on self - it's a focus on community; its benefits extend to all members of our community when we practice self-compassion and self-love. The inside job is messy and slow and frightening, but it's equally liberating and gracious and joy-producing.

If you're interested in this concept, here are some great reads:

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Living Beautifully With Uncertainty & Change by Pema Chodron
• Unconditional Confidence by Pema Chodron (audio retreat/book available via iTunes)
• Self Compassion by Kristin Neff
• Radical Self Acceptance by Tara Brach

Shoot me a note if you want more resources...I have plenty! :)

On Transition

I attended Emerging Women Live two weeks ago. All I can say is WOW - the event blew my mind. There was also a moment that caught me by surprise. Tara Mohr, one of my favorite bloggers/writers, took the stage on Day Two and gave a beautiful talk on callings and playing big. She closed with the concept of the transition team - a concept near and dear to my heart:

If the angels could have sat you down for a chat when you were on the way in to this life (among some other comments about love, fear, and your glory), they might have said this:

Now, my dear, a little context: you are entering into a transitional time.

The past is a world led, designed, and defined by men. The future is a world led, designed, and defined by women and men. The present is the transition time. And we have decided to put you on the transition team. 

These are some things we don't know yet:

How to create a childhood worthy of the sacredness of the child. How to forgive ourselves, entirely. How to love without projection or dependence. How to honor the strength of love alongside the strength of might. How much we are held, blessed. What we would create, if we believed we could. We’re still young, still in an early era. The status quo is just a middle chapter. So have compassion for this fools’ world of ours. And don’t be afraid to be the one to help us turn the page.

I burst into tears when I heard Tara read those words aloud. They were happy tears. I was deeply touched. It was a moment of truth. Damn, I thought to myself, she nailed it. My dear friend Elizabeth grabbed my hand and sat with me in silent support.

And then I started to feel a little silly and embarrassed by my reaction. Why was I so emotional? I had read Tara's post more than a few times. I knew the drill. However, in retrospect, I understand and appreciate that moment because...

It is rare to not only receive permission but also encouragement to pursue what is truly important to us.

It is rare for someone to acknowledge and validate our struggle and our strength.

It is rare to be in the safe, warm presence of a true friend.

Thinking back it was an extraordinary moment. Permission and encouragement, acknowledgment and validation, companionship and love. Those moments are precious...and all too rare.

We're Not So Different, You and I...

We have become brilliant at performing for one another - at wearing our masks of success, beauty, genius, adventure, spontaneity. We perform in the pursuit of connection - to fit in, to belong -  but ultimately at the expense of connection. We, as a society, have never felt more alone.

I worry about us. Government shutdowns, economic uncertainty, random acts of violence. Fear is in the air. Fear drives extremism. I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG. SHUT UP. Fear drives anxiety - that edge/tight chest/gnawing feeling that makes us a little less empathetic, tolerant, and kind. Fear drives polarization and social and political paralysis. No handouts! No rights for you or you! We are left grasping for certainty, for something to hold onto.

***

It's perfectly human to look at someone else's life and think "must be nice." I'm certainly guilty of it. But the appeal is an illusion; it lies in the fact that we haven't been lugging around his or her baggage for our whole lives - the hard days, the heartbreaks, the losses. We come to the world with one experience, our story, and it's a mixed bag. Well, so is everyone else's.

However, when we perform for others, we suffer silently. They suffer silently. We, as a society, forget that certain rules apply to us all:

1. Suffering is a shared human experience. We are not alone in our pain. We are not defined by our pain. It is an inescapable part of life.
2. Uncertainty produces fear and anxiety. We live in an inherently uncertain world. Sometimes we will feel afraid. Sometimes we will feel anxious. That is OK.
3. Rejection hurts. Because...
4. We are hardwired for connection. We are not made to go it alone. Your community/relationships may look different than mine, but love and belonging are fundamental human needs.
5. Love heals. Not just romantic love. Self love. The love of family, friends, colleagues, peers.

In times of great uncertainty, we have each other. We need each other. It's positive sum.

Uncertainty = Possibility

The experience of uncertainty is uncomfortable; sometimes it's downright excruciating! Navigating uncertainty requires patience, open-mindedness, and trust, but the problem is we do NOT trust uncertainty. No, sir! We like to plan for and anticipate our life events. We have timelines and strategies. We like to call the shots.

However, life offers no guarantees (with the exception of death, of course). Perpetual uncertainty has always been a part of the human experience despite our best efforts to deny it, and much of our suffering stems from resisting uncertainty by playing it safe, bracing ourselves for the worst, or trying to control people and/or situations.

So onto the good news...

Pema Chodron, a brilliant spiritual teacher, has a more loving take on uncertainty. She refers to uncertainty as "fundamental openendedness." I love Pema's frame because an openended life implies a life ripe with possibility. If there are no guarantees, anything could happen. In fact, the freedom from guarantees allows us to be more creative and daring as we define our respective paths. It allows us to shed those limiting stories about our lives that we've carried for far too long. In this sense, uncertainty is liberating.

***

What are you waiting for right at this very moment?

The job? The promotion? The move? The relationship? The acceptance letter? The first home? The first child?

Waiting can be so uncomfortable; it even has the power to make us physically ill. We often believe that if we JUST knew how this one little thing would pan out, everything else would be OK. But we're kidding ourselves. Instead, we quickly divert our attention to the next thing - the next milestone. The waiting begins again, the what ifs? overwhelm us, and we think to ourselves, "man, I'll feel so much better as soon as I have resolution on this one last thing." And in that moment, we sincerely believe that one more resolution - one more piece of certainty - will curb our appetite for more. But then there's the next thing....

***

Life is a waiting game. The stakes get higher, and the uncertainty is perpetual. BUT uncertainty doesn't have to be the enemy; it could, in fact, serve us well. Maybe it will empower us to exceed our own expectations of what is possible for our lives? Maybe it will remind us that if nothing is guaranteed, we essentially have nothing to lose?

Anything could happen.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Young

No, really. Why all the hate? The narrative of Gen Yers as entitled, lazy, and delusional is becoming more and more pervasive. Not a day passes without a reference to "some kid" who thinks he knows what he is doing (implication: "IDIOT!"). Um...weren't you a "kid" once, too? 

I'm confused: I don't believe I'm better than you. I don't feel entitled to anything, especially without hard work. I don't live in a world of delusion. And I don't find myself to be unhappy.

I'm curious: at what age do I become relevant? At what age do my contributions start to matter?

I'm stuck: I can't skip this age, so what am I supposed to do now?

***

As one member of Gen Y, I will tell you this:

I am curious - about what I can accomplish here. And I strongly believe that we define the spectrum of possibility in our lives by believing in or doubting ourselves and our abilities. I am fighting hard to continue to believe in myself despite all of the messages that tell me I'm never enough - my age being one of them.

I am worthy - of love and belonging. Just like you. Not any more worthy than the next guy. Just worthy.

I am doing the best that I can - to show that I can add value as a young person while acknowledging that I do, in fact, have a lot to learn. And learning happens in time and with experience. But time & experience do not always equal learning, so I'm throwing myself a bone for being open to the lessons.

***

This anti-young person Gen Y narrative fails because it's disempowering - it stems from fear of change, from anger, from regret. This narrative fails because it assumes that there is some magic age at which people become capable of making the "right" decisions (enough said). This narrative fails because it equates entitlement to self worth. This narrative fails because there is more variation within groups than across groups. Most importantly, this narrative fails because we need each other. How can we connect when you doubt my worth on the regular?

What Would Bring You Peace?

I recently found myself in a difficult situation - one that literally hijacked my thoughts, emotions, and sense of well being. It was driving me crazy (!). Fortunately, a dear friend sat me down and asked an insightful question about my conundrum: what would bring you peace? So simple, but so revolutionary. Her question cut straight through my stories about the events that had transpired to the heart of the issue, and the solution became much clearer through this new frame.

But I'll tell you one thing...

The lack of peace I experienced was the most unsettling part of the whole ordeal. Harboring resentment, judgment, and anger is DRAINING; that was the real birthplace of my inner turmoil - not the situation itself. Sure, we are destined to find ourselves in a number of situations that make us want to read someone the riot act or run the other way as fast as humanly possible, but ultimately we must decide how to move forward without making ourselves collateral damage in the process. And it's no easy task!

Speaking of "easy," Rachel Cole makes a great distinction between ease, or inner peace, and the easy path forward:

it's easy to keep doing what we're doing. It’s easy not to ruffle feathers. But it’s ease that we’re given when we’re deeply fed. It’s ease that we feel when we stop resisting what’s calling us.

As we contemplate what would would bring us peace in a given situation, we'll most likely find that the answer lies in an interruption of our go-to coping mechanisms and/or a difficult conversation. But it's those very daring acts that will restore ease to our lives. And that, my friends, is worth everything!

p.s. Trish, thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Personal Growth Is Not Linear

I write about a number of big concepts (fear vs. love, authenticity, worthiness), and I'll be the first to admit that putting them into practice is no simple task. It's easy to feel defeated when it seems as though we've taken a step back (by lashing out, staying silent, causing harm to others, causing harm to ourselves). But the truth is growth is not linear. Setbacks should be expected and acknowledged as an important part of the process. There are good days and bad days. One day we feel grounded, committed to self-acceptance, tolerant of uncertainty. The next day we feel overwhelmed, frustrated by our lack of progress, fearful of the unknown. And the pendulum swings.

As we begin to interrupt old patterns of thought and action, we'll likely feel some high high's and low low's, and that is just fine. We have to build our endurance to live authentically. It takes courage, commitment, and patience, but like any consistent workout routine, it gets easier over time. Ultimately these practices become our new baseline, and we move forward to accept the next challenge.The key is to start where we are (which varies day to day) and be gentle to ourselves.

The Truth About Perfectionism

I used to think perfectionism was a cute response to a weakness identification question - surely it was a strength in disguise? It didn't seem to have a bad rap like anxiety or depression, and I innocently assumed that a "hint of perfectionism" was a prerequisite for success. However, when I discovered Brené Brown’s work on shame and human connection, I learned the truth about perfectionism. And it's not so pretty...

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

The problem is we will never meet perfectionism’s standards. It does not matter how high we achieve, how many hours we work, or how many kind gestures we make, perfectionism will always tell us that we could be or do more. When there are only two possible outcomes (perfection or failure), we will always fail. Our “failures” perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and we renew our vows to perfectionism in an effort to regain a sense of self worth. And then we fail again. It’s a vicious cycle that truly is the "perfect" set-up for self-hate.

Brown dispels two important myths about perfectionism in her book The Gifts of Imperfection:

1. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. When we can only live with “perfection,” we are not setting realistic, attainable goals for ourselves. And when we “fail” to rise to the occasion, our inner critic beats us up via hurtful self-talk (i.e. I’m so stupid. Why did I say that? I’m such a failure. I should just give up.). We punish ourselves for not living up to impossible standards. Most of us would NEVER talk to someone we cared about like that, so why do we continue to beat ourselves up over the smallest mistakes? Plus this fear of failure promotes a life of stagnation. How can we take risks and grow if we’re too afraid to fail? Perfectionism holds us back from being our best selves. 
2. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is the search for validation and affirmation from others. By pursuing perfection, we are attempting to control others’ perceptions of ourselves (i.e. What will they think of me if I do, say, or wear this?). Some people are just not going to like you, and it probably has nothing to do with you! Therefore, when we make our self worth dependent on others’ perceptions, we LOSE.

So how can we move from a place of perfectionism to a place of healthy personal growth? Brown offers some wisdom:

• First, we can start living from a place of worthiness. I am worthy of love and belonging NOW. My worthiness is not contingent on my accomplishments, appearance, relationships, or [insert ideal here]. I am enough exactly as I am today.For long time perfectionists, this mental shift will require a lot of discipline and practice, but it does get easier with time. The intention to redefine success outside of the realm of perfection is a huge feat in and of itself! One step at a time...
• Practice compassion toward yourself every step of the way. Dr. Kristin Neff describes three elements of self compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness:
  • Self-kindness involves being gentle with ourselves during times of struggle
  • Common humanity is our ability to recognize suffering as a universal, shared human experience
  • Mindfulness is the practice of taking a balanced approach to negative emotions - specifically, not over or under-identifying with painful emotions
  • Set realistic expectations of yourself. When defining your goals, use language like “I would like to improve on X” or “I want to accomplish X for me.” Steer clear of thought processes that go something like this: “I need to be different to be worthy” or “I should be x, y, and z.”

I am joining Brené as an aspiring good-enoughist!

Pulling From Our Strengths

Let's face it: feedback is unsettling. If you are anything like me, you are laser-focused on your weaknesses and, more importantly, on how to improve on them. But I think we might have this all wrong... Focusing exclusively on our weaknesses feeds the feelings that we are never enough. And Jia Jiang has already reminded us that rejection (read: bad feedback) is merely an opinion. Plus no one can do everything perfectly and trying to leads to a very unhappy existence (more on that later!). While it is important to be aware of our weaknesses - for team-building and damage control purposes, we can be incredibly more effective if we aware of and capitalize on our strengths.

What are strengths, you may ask?

Marcus Buckingham & Donald Clifton explore this concept in their book Now, Discover Your Strengths, but here are the highlights:

• A strength is defined as "consistent, near perfect performance in an activity"
  • Witnessing strengths-in-practice often "stimulates a feeling of awe"
• Strengths are built upon a cultivation of your natural talents; they are created from raw materials
  • Natural talents are defined as your "areas of greatest potential;" however, talent alone is value neutral - you've got to act!
• In order to build your strengths, identify your natural talents & refine them with knowledge & skills

The idea of strength-building reminded me of the scarcity/abundance dichotomy -  two very different worldviews that filter the way we see and experience our lives. Here are the key differences between scarcity and abundance:

A strengths-based approach to value creation is inherently abundant - there is unlimited opportunity for individuals to flourish by honing their unique set of natural talents. This is a positive-sum game where more than one skill set is welcome. Individuals and organizations win when we start to operate from the assumption that each member of our team has a different but valuable perspective to offer. We need more self actualized individuals to come together to solve the challenging problems we are facing today. I think it's time we give our strengths a little more energy.

p.s. if you're interested in this concept, Buckingham and Clifton offer an online assessment that identifies your top five natural talents (with purchase of their book Now, Discover Your Strengths).

p.p.s. here are two great resources on the subject of feedback: Brene Brown's engaged feedback checklist & Tara Mohr's loving reminders about feedback.

Feminism Is About 'Doing Better' As Males & Females

In April, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie delivered an incredibly poignant talk on feminism at TEDxEuston. She addressed the baggage associated with the term feminism - i.e. "women who are unhappy because they cannot find husbands." She spoke about the narrow definitions of masculinity - a "hard cage" that limits male individuality and produces fragile egos that women have to tip-toe around. She spoke about how we teach girls to aspire to marriage and how we do not teach boys the same.  And she closed with her own definition of feminism:

A feminist is a man or a woman who says, "yes, there is a problem with gender as it is today, and we must fix it - we must do better."

Males & females

Gender is a difficult conversation to have. Most people I know hate talking about it, and I think it's natural to try to dodge such an uncomfortable topic - for the fear of sounding whiny and/or trivial or out of a true misunderstanding of feminism. The problem is when we ignore the role that gender plays in our experiences, we don't see any meaningful change. And we need change.

Sexual assault is one consequence of our problematic gender norms. When a sexual assault story goes viral, the public discourse usually looks like this: what was she wearing? Was she drinking? Was she flirting? Does she have a promiscuous sexual history? Does she fraternize with the "wrong" group? We always look for her mistake. Then we qualify why she was on the receiving end of such a horrible act - "oh, well, I never dress like that when I go out." The odd thing about this discourse is that the perpetrators - who are overwhelmingly male - often disappear from the conversation. Where do they go? Why have we stopped caring about the why? We seem to accept that men just can't help themselves when presented with an opportunity to assault a female, and I believe that such an assumption is an insult to males everywhere - an insult to all human beings. Adichie eloquently captured this phenomenon in her talk:

We have been raised to think of women as inherently guilty. Raised to expect so little of men that the idea of men as savage beings without any control is somehow acceptable. We teach girls shame - close your legs, cover yourself. We make them feel as though by being born female they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say that they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form.

We owe it to ourselves - as human beings, as males & females - to challenge the public discourse on sexual violence. Why are we so suspicious of females, and why do we think so little of males? We owe it to ourselves to call into question a culture that silences half of its population and minimizes the other half. We deserve to live in a society of true individuals - not gender stereotypes. To quote Adichie, I hope we can all agree that "there is a problem with gender as it is today, and we must fix it - we must do better." Join me?

Watch her talk here:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg3umXU_qWc&w=560&h=315]

Boundaries Are Acts of Love

I used to believe that boundaries were acts of selfishness, and I know I am not the only one who bought into that myth. Over the course of our lives, we receive many mixed messages, and two conflicting stories kept resurfacing in my childhood and young adulthood: YOU vs. THEM. Proponents of "YOU" told me that this life was all about me, that I shouldn't compromise for anyone. Proponents of "THEM" told me that I had a responsibility to others before myself, that acting in my own self interest was a greedy and heartless pursuit. The truth is both arguments fall short in practice. YOU is lonely and ostracizing, and THEM is exhausting and unrealistic.

The magics happens at WE. 

We have a responsibility to ourselves and others, and we contribute to others by caring for ourselves. At the end of the day, we can only give as much as we have. If we're completely exhausted by over-delivering in our relationships or at work, we will only have resentment, tears, and some harsh words to share with those around us. On the flip side, if we're rested and connected to ourselves, we are more patient and compassionate friends, partners, and colleagues. Susannah Conway put this beautifully:

In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do – heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on.

Enter boundaries.

Boundaries allow each of us to give voice to our needs and desires. This practice creates the opportunity to say, "yes, I hear that you need/desire X, Y, and Z right now, but I am only capable of providing A, B, and C." It holds the space for all parties to feel seen and heard - YOU and THEM. It keeps resentment at bay.And ultimately, our relationships grow stronger, respect deepens, and connection flourishes. I have seen proof of this in my own life and in the lives of those around me. Boundaries are true acts of love - we love ourselves and others by showing up and speaking honestly about what we want and need. 

Who Runs The World?

Not "girls" like one of my favorite Beyonce songs suggests. Men run the world - at least that is true today. The facts speak for themselves:

• Women represent 4% of Fortune 500 CEOS
• Women hold 18% of seats in Congress (The US is 90th in the world in terms of women in national legislatures)
• Women hold 5% of clout positions in mainstream media
• Only 33 of the 196 countries in the world have had a female president - that is 16.8%
• 20 female leaders are still in power today
• Women in the US earn $0.77 on the dollar relative to their male counterparts

Source: MissRepresentation.org

Since women represent 51% of our population, I think we can all agree that there is some untapped value out there. That's not to say that men don't make wonderful leaders. They do. But women make brilliant leaders, too. Why can't we enjoy both?

Many argue that institutions stand in our way. Others look to gender roles. Some even propose that women are biologically precluded from being successful professionals. The more I read about these issues, the more I believe that meaningful societal change starts with a belief that we are worthy. Because it is our opinions of ourselves that define the spectrum of possibility in our lives. If we don't believe we are capable of accomplishing X, why would we go out there and pursue it? We wouldn't run that risk. However, when we own our value, we become advocates for ourselves and demand change from the very institutions and policies that hold us back. We step out of the boxes people try to keep us in and let ourselves be seen.

Beyonce is a professional who I deeply admire. That may sound silly upon first read, but this is a woman who runs an incredible business, who truly loves her craft, who is celebrated as one of the best performers in history, who claims feminism (hallelujah!). In her documentary "Life Is But A Dream," Beyonce addresses worthiness as it relates to female professionals - albeit in different words:

Women have to work much harder to make it in this world. It really pisses me off that women don’t get the same opportunities as men do, or money for that matter. Because let's face it, money gives men the power to run the show. It gives men the power to define our values and to define what’s sexy and what’s feminine, and that’s bullshit. At the end of the day, it’s not about equal rights, it’s about how we think. We have to reshape our own perception of how we view ourselves.

Self worth is key. It gives us the confidence to ask questions, to redefine the possible, to embrace abundance.

The problem is we are experiencing a crisis of self worth in this country - men & women alike are feeling the consequences of this. What happens when our self worth is on the line? We stop taking the necessary risks to live our own lives and let fear call the shots. Fear loves the status quo, so men are pressured to get to the top of public institutions, and women are encouraged to stay small and quiet in the home or in the lower ranks of organizations. While the manifestation of these roles may genuinely align with the values of certain individuals, it doesn't work for everyone - and the stats on women in leadership do not represent that variation.

Fear

I want to live in a society where both males and females run the show. Where women do not replace men, but join men in defining our values, transforming our institutions, and calling the shots. I strongly believe that everyone benefits from leadership that represents the diversity of our population and our experiences (far above and beyond gender diversity). So let's start running the world with men...because we have a valuable contribution to make, too.

Current Self vs. Future Self

About a year ago, I stumbled upon a memorable post by Justine Musk, which focused on the concept of the current self versus the future self – that is, who we are today and who we envision ourselves becoming in ten, twenty, thirty years from now. As a twenty-something, the future self is a hot topic in my circle of friends. It also seems to be the root of our anxiety, indecision, and occasional paralysis. Am I doing the "right" thing for my future? What "should" I be doing at [insert age here!]? What type of position am I in – personally & professionally – relative to my peers? 

Sound familiar?

It's easy to forget that our current and future self share the same body, mind, and soul. That to realize our dreams down the road, we must start taking care of ourselves right now. We don't just shed our present identity at some later date – our angst, bad moods, bad habits, and feelings of inadequacy come along for the ride. So do our positive relationships, strength, joy, and gratitude.

Which brings me to my favorite excerpt from Justine's post:

Everything matters.

‘Everything’ has a way of breaking down into small things: small tasks, small choices. Small things have a way of adding up, and when we come into our future self, we come into a reckoning.

If we chose the cake or the apple, the walk or the television rerun, to pick up or put down the cigarette. If we shopped more than we earned. If we showed up in our relationships or neglected them for the more immediate thrill of whatever. If we showed up for anything at all. If we fought – fought hard – to build momentum. If we succumbed to the bullshit or figured out how, in our own way, to stand up to it. If we had the courage to admit our mistakes and tear down what we needed to tear down, in order to build something new, whole and right. If we chose the right person to be with. If we chose the right people to be around, to influence our views and habits.

If we chose to add value to others – and ourselves – or to subtract.

There is no grand aha moment, no point at which the fog magically clears. Our future self starts now. It's an extension of the very same person we are today. Do you like what you see?

Navigating Rejection

One of my favorite speakers at the World Domination Summit shared a beautiful story about rejection - how he faced it, felt the pain of it, and ultimately embraced it. Here are a few of the best moments from Jia Jiang's talk:

I ran away from rejection , and I ended up rejecting myself. 

Rejection is nothing more than an opinion. 

What if I didn't ask?

If you act, you will not be ignored.

Watch it here:

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/70167462]

The bottom line: act on love, not fear. Actions fueled by love will allow you to follow your intuition and pursue your boldest dreams. Actions fueled by fear will have you settle for the mediocre/comfortable/uninspiring. Self rejection is far more dangerous than rejection from others. If you reject yourself, your body and soul will continue to scream for more...because you deserve more.

Great Expectations vs. Authenticity

Being a human is challenging - we're navigating impermanence, loss, fear, suffering, scarcity of resources, cruelty of other human beings, illness, rejection, and failure simultaneously. When we layer on the societal expectations associated with our biology, race, sexual preference, nationality (the list goes on...), life becomes increasingly complicated. It's easy to see how we can get lost in the noise and start defining ourselves by society's view of who we ought to be. Or how we begin to dissociate from our experience to numb the pain of hiding from our true selves. So let's talk about expectations imposed on females in the US...

Women are socialized to believe that they should do and be everything - for/to their families, friends, bosses, and colleagues.  Maybe this is why there are countless articles, books, and films wrestling with the question "can women have it all?" Brené Brown eloquently tackles the female double bind in her latest book Daring Greatly:

• "Be perfect, but don't make a fuss about it and don't take time away from anything, like your family or your partner or your work, to achieve your perfection. If you're good, perfection should be easy.
• Don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, but say what is on your mind.
• Dial the sexuality way up, but dial it way down at the PTO meeting.
• Just be yourself, but not if it means being shy or unsure.
• Don't make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
• Don't get too emotional, but don't be too detached either. Too emotional and you're hysterical. Too detached and you're a coldhearted b*tch."

Every example offered by Brown addresses conflicting expectations - to speak my mind or spare someone's feelings? to be authentic or suppress my vulnerabilities? So naturally this "lose-lose" scenario leaves us feeling like we're never enough. And this feeling has consequences:

• Guilty or ashamed mothers - at home and in the workplace
• Guilty or ashamed daughters
• Guilty or ashamed partners
• Guilty or ashamed managers, peers, & employees

But worst of all this feeling of never enough makes it all the more unlikely that we will demand societal change. Why? Because falling short of the female "ideal" can feel painfully personal. It's easy to assume that other women just have it all figured out. However, the reality is the game is rigged. No one wins.

When it comes to the matters of our lives, we are in choice.  We have to decide where and with whom we will invest our time and energy. We can keep chasing approval by engaging in the fruitless attempt to comply with the standards set by our society, or we can make decisions that are in integrity with our true selves. When we live from a place of authenticity, our lives become an expression of our personal values. Values are not morals or ethics. Rachel Cole describes them as qualities of your life fully lived; values are intrinsic to you. If value assessments started to drive decision-making, we would live in a society that celebrated difference, not feared it. Difference would be a sign that we're connecting to our own definition of a life well lived. Proof of human creative potential at work. A marker of authenticity.

Getting To Know Fear

In early July, I traveled to Portland for the World Domination Summit - an annual event that celebrates community, service, and adventure. The conference explores an important question - how can we live remarkable lives in a conventional world? But I was more interested in this question - how do I define success on my own terms? The speakers varied in background and discipline, but every single one of them touched on fear - how it shows up & the role it can play in our lives.

Fear can be incredibly debilitating. It has the power to crush our beautiful dreams in a matter of minutes with all of the what ifs? and who do you think you ares?. The funny thing is that we often buy into the idea that fear serves us - that fear is a faithful protector who encourages us to be realistic about our desires and ambitions. BUT Donald Miller summed it up best:

Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life. 

If we are flirting with a personal or professional change, fear is typically the first voice that shows up in our self talk. It paints change as an imminent threat and encourages us to keep on keeping on. It's a fierce advocate of the status quo and offers endless reasons why our new initiative is destined to fail. Therefore, recognizing fear and observing how it manifests in our self talk and actions are key to creating lasting change in our lives. Behind the voice of fear lies insecurity. Here's an example:

Dream: I want to become a CEO.

Fear (via self talk):What makes you any more qualified than the next person to become a CEO? You're not as naturally smart as others, you just work hard. Look at Sally, she deserves it more than you do. You're a slacker. You just happened to get a lucky break, but soon everyone will realize that you're not as smart as they had originally thought. 

Insecurity: Self doubt concerning intelligence

How motivated would this internal monologue leave you to keep pushing ahead? Umm...yeah, not so excited about that big dream anymore.

However, if you noticed, the fear-based thoughts are much more threatening than the insecurity itself. By identifying our insecurities, we can go straight to the source and focus on the underlying premise that is encouraging fear to act out. That being said, working with our insecurities requires tremendous self compassion. Be gentle with yourself! Every human being battles insecurities - although they may look different from person to person.

The next time you're entertaining a change, remember:

1. Fear will fight you on change, but....
2. Great stories happen when characters take action! - Donald Miller

SO challenge fear and act from a place of love. Then life won't be so boring after all...

Let's Redefine Feminism...

As a young female interested in understanding and promoting empowering workplaces, I'd like to go on the record and say that I've had enough of the Mom vs. Worker debate. The hostile finger-pointing that characterizes recent conversation leaves audiences feeling hopeless, bitter, and fearful. Instead, I'd like to propose that there is no "right" way to live professionally or personally, and we should not feel offended/threatened by decisions that do not reflect our own path. Variation should be expected, not criticized! That is what keeps things interesting. I'd also like to take this opportunity to redefine a frequently used but misunderstood concept - feminism.

Feminism is...

• equality - specifically, feminism is the belief that women and men are equal;
• about belonging - in our societies, workplaces, and families; and
• about being significant - on a physical, emotional, social, and political level

Feminism is NOT...

• the belief that women are better than men;
• the belief that women don't need men; or
• the belief that women are any more important than other "classes" of society

It's that simple.

However, the vast majority of our public is SO reluctant to claim feminism. Ask most young women if they are feminists, and you'd be surprised by how many would respond with qualified "no's." No good! Sure, the term itself has a bad rap, but my fear is that this is a much deeper issue. And it begs the following questions:

How can women effectively work in companies and organizations where they feel less worthy/valuable than their male colleagues?

How can women effectively contribute to a society in which they feel they do not belong?